So OnDemand is awesome. I decided to watch Bicentennial Man. Here I go!
Oh rated PG... this is starting off well already. The credits consist of footage of a robot man being assembled. I kind of like the animation with the text...
Oh so this was based on the novel called Positronic Man... I wonder why they changed it?
The not too distant future... oh everything sounds spacey. Even this NorthAm Robotics van. Oh its all
OH HOLY SHIT THE GUY FROM JURASSIC PARK IS IN THIS
Oh right I just remembered this movie a lil..
So OH gross that annoying girl from those weird pepsi commercials is in thiiiiissssssss ick. God she's so annoying... She also has an older sister (in the movie)..
The family has a family m eeting to meet the new family member. He's a robot. He's robin williams as a robot except monotone and stiff moving.
How did mommy and daddy produce THAT! moneymoneymoney
The older sister says they're all the same. other families have them... they're androids!
Pepsi says whats an Andrew? That's now the robot's name.
Oh what is going on in their living room...
It's a weird slide show of what his duties are as a robot... paired with obnoxiously loud marching band music. WHY.
So david just came down saw me watching this. He asked me oh is that robin williams? Is this flubber? I loled.
It's really weird that they have to teach this robot social ettiquette and behavior and explain things to it... It's like it actually is a newborn or something.. Like, who wants to have to raise a robot with an infant's mind? besides being able to do math... oh wait that's not this kind of robot.... OH HOLY SHIT.
Ok so robin williams is a MAID ROBOT! He is supposed to do chores and shit around the house... he finds a spider inside and brings it outside to a potted plant.. oh so he's 'feeeeeeeeling' something. Ok weird.
Oh what the fuck is going on... So he brought a whole bunch of shit from the basement in...
He opens a box he just brought out and its a record player. His scanners tell him it's an old victrola not functional needs repair. Ok so he is kinda smart.
He makes them dinner. Dad says it's excellent. Older daughter says "i think it sucks!" and he's all how can the chicken suck? it has no lips... Pepsi laughs. It's that sort of humor where he doesn't get slaaaang. So he takes everything so literal. And i guess it's funny.
Older daughter calls robin up in a creepy way.... oh this is after he was just watching the parents play chess. and solved it in his head or something.
So anyway. she calls him up and is all "Andrew, would you open the window". She's reading something. So he does what he's told. He's going to tell him to jump out the window. She says 'jump'. Honey he needs more specifics than that... So she's all nnno out the window. And he does. falls on the lawn. I'm sorry, how was that girl not laughing hysterically at how easy that was? Dad's mad.
oh family meeting in the hallway.
Andrew's malfuncitoning. His 'eyebrow' is twitching.
One is capable of self MEEEEENtinence sir, he stammers. He has a weird sound he makes while walking. Adding to the robotyness of him.
Oh this family is rich. Like literally They have this beach. Oh wait maybe it's a public place. I don't know. They could afford one of thhose!
Pepsi is playing make believe pretend with her clear toys. She shows robin her favorite. and is all want to hold it? and he's so stiff his robot fingers drop it. On a rock. And it SHATTERS. WHY is a little girl playing with a FUCKING GLASS TOY. I DON'T CAAAAREEEE if it's the 'future'.
So he feels bad. Pepsi hates him. He sees wood and decides to learn wood carving. He reads a book super fast and carves her a wooden one... She's all this is the best present ever!
...........
..................
like, seriously? that's the best present a 4 year old in the FUCKING FUTURE WITH ROBOTS AND SHIT has everrrrrrr received?
weird. I don't know...
so she thanks him and he goes to her room..... no they don't do that. she invites him to her room and he's all does it involve a window? Oh this Robot's got jokes! I'm guessing it's a tea party.
so she gives him a stuffed animal named wolfy. She is gifting something to him. it's sweet. I guess.
Dr. Dad Grant is marveling at the wooden horse. How did you do this andrew? you can't lie. He made it tho. Mom's all (on yeah there's a mom in this. forgot to mention that. prob because she's so boring. but anyway she finds the robot creepy and such. He stares at her. It's weird.) so she's all you didn't just com up with this out of thin air! he studied the raw materials.
So he fixes the record player and Dr. Dad Grant hears it and goes down. Of course its like so deeply moving opera music. And the robot is TOTALLY feeeeeeling it. Oh man. doesn't know DDG is there. He doesn't want to disturb so he heads back up the stairs.
He's a little worried. So he takes him into the robot makers to have him checked out by the doctor. It's the guy who plays Milton in fucking Office Space. hahahah he's an asshole in this.
DDG is all he's like, human and stuff. He doesn't want a replacement. He doesn't want it fixed... OH but if word of this gets out! We'll have to recall our whole line! They're in people's homes!
DDG is all hey don't do so much housework. Imma teach you my line of work. We gonna do art shit. I'm gonna just teach you shit. Like people growing.
So him and Pepsi gather wood to carve and they go down to the basement oh his room and carve shit.
OH my god. They didn't just do this... Cut to scene of robot sitting by fire with an astonished/shocked/processing glance. ".... and 9 months later, a baby is born. Those Andrew, are what you call the facts of life." Andrew says this: "..... and people actually do this?? married people..." oh right he told him that only 'married' people do this.
Oh gag me. stupid humor. He just told him how straight people have sex and repopulate and shit. I'm over it. Next!
oh this conversation is getting awkward. DDG is all yeah people do it a lot. as often as they can, really.. well... at first. OH so he's saying his marriage no longer includes sex. ok.
So I think he feels bad for the sperm that don't get to the age. they DIE.
OK next scene is dumb. DDG is trying to teach him jokes and it's impossible and frustrating because he's a FUCKING ROBOT!!!! ugh. I also totally called the usage of the "why did the chicken cross the road?" joke. ugh...
so of course he goes over every possible reason why a chicken would cross a road. He doesn't get the punchline.
Lunchtime is "robot's time to rattle off all the jokes he learned last night at a high speed. which is awkward because he doesn't get the subtlety of timing when you tell a joke... so they're all hahahahahaha he's a robot trying to tell jokes.
Pepsi is playing piano. Like in the Pepsi commercial. Andrew's gonna learn how to play a duet. It only takes him one take to get the song she plays for him.
Ok So they do it together. wait there's another piano added onto this. OHHHH shit... TIME WARP
flash forward to the future and it's the chick who plays ms. honey in matilda and that lame chick in that lame movie 13 ghosts. Ugh.
Oh she kisses him on the cheek. Now he knows how to play parlor music.
Oh weird. The older sister is nasty looking. Oh so that's you're interpretation of future clothes? WTF. Ugh Mom comes home in a fucking expensive car with a shopping bag. Older daughter is making out with her boyfriend on his weird bike. He's got weird forearm things.
Mom's angry. She storms inside. Apparently the past years Andrew has been making clocks. So they have like, a hundred around the house and of course they all chime and go off. So mom's all UGH I'm so sick of these damn clocks! She does what every mother does after coming home from shopping. Pours a glass of wine. YEAHHHH she's an alcoholic! ok.
So the robot wants to open an bank account. Cause they're thinking about selling those clocks he makes. So he can buy things.
Big Pepsi is in the shop with him, robot cuts off his finger in the band saw. So her boyfriend frank proposed to her. She is in love with the robot. I forgot. Oh right. No I didn't forget. I wanted to tho. So she's all I'm gonna accept the bf's proposal cause like, it wonb't work out with her imaginary friend who's actually the robot.
They go to the same robot dr to fix the finger. I guess this guy is still like, after this robot. So he's all if you attack robot's brain an alarm will go off and police will be called and I'LL SUE YOU"RE FUCKING ASS. This doctor really doesn't like the robot. Andrew I mean. Ugh I forgot.
So the Robot Business is on the decline... apparently people are concerned about robots replacing the human workforce.... WELL DUHHHHHH.
So he's an usher at Big Pepsi's wedding. He gets to wear a tuxedo. Oh that guy is hot. WOOOOO!!!!! wait did the preist just say I present you Mr and Mrs Frank Charlie? Two first names? weird. Oh her older sister is there and with her lame ass boyfriend. she's not dressed for a church wedding. Neither is he and he's chewing gum. Oh Big Pepsi sees Andrew at the end in a tuxedo and now able to express more emotions and feeeeeeelings. She smiles and keeps walking. It's a touching moment I guess.
I'm guessing he's gonna accidently walk in on or stumble upon Big Pepsi and Husband having sexxs.
Andrew wants to keep wearing clothing. So he recorded the wedding and the father bride dance in his memory bank and they have a slideshow thing out of the top of his head like in the beginning. But THANK GAWD he didn't include the marching band music. Ugh.
DDG is saddened at his 2 daughters being gone. He'll always miss them.
Cut to 12 years later on the beach. He's reading a book on the beach with Big Pepsi's kids. The kid Lloyd (stuuuuuupid name in the future jesus) throws sand on him. Mother scolds him. Andrew wants his freedom. He wants to not do orders and stuff. He wants to be fwends!
They have a huge kitchen for only having 2 people there.
Ugh this movie is actually kind of depressing because it's all about aging and dying and shit. Well not all about. But you know.
I'm not sure I'll be able to finish this... I'm only 50 minutes in and I'm wanting a nap and this is just... I'll continue it later.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Superman: Part I (1978)
I fucking love OnDemand...
Light up another bowl yo!
it was really weird seeing Marlon Brando's name zoom onto the screen in blue text... all of the credits are doing this.
Now there's a shot of the sun? Something weird. A blue orb.... one of them is where Superman came from I'm assuming? OH an ice planet. Not Hoth....
or are those crystals?
So there's a huge orb building and inside is some kind of committee deciding what to do with a few people accused and being held in a couple hoola hoops floating around everywhere. The leader/speaker guy has funky white hair. They are being banished from the planet Krypton? They are found guilty by these giant floating heads.
The White hair guy has a cane that lights up on the end.
DURRELL!
whoa. the orb swung open and the 3 people in the hoola hoops also have a beam of light coming out from beneath them... this is really weird. Hahaha. A weird diamond shape thing oh wait its only 2 dimensional.... whoa. ok so tthat swings by and takes them away. They are seen crammed into the shape screaming FORGIVE ME!
All these people have bright white suits on with different symbols on their chests. Durrell's is the Superman "S".... hmmmm
He's ranting about the planet exploding within 30 days... For some reason he just has a feeling.
OH HOLY FUCKING SHIT DURRELL IS FUCKING MARLON BRANDO. WHAAAAAAAAAT.
Wow.
So they are now going to banish him from Krypton for sparking fear among everyone... I guess he's the only one who thinks the planet will blow up... he says oh I'll stay quiet... but my wife and child and I might leave? I don't know...
So now we see his home and wife and son. They are going to send their son to Earth. WHy?? They are thousands of years behind us. He says he'll need it... I don't know....
The council is investigating him and some misuse of power or something... so he might get in trouble and be banished anyway...
marlon Brando is saying some last words to the little boy before sending him to earth.
So everything in the future is controlled by crystals.
Don't forget the Kryptonite for your flight down, son!
The whole planet is like, crumbling. I think his parents are going to be in lots of trouble.....
oh no the crystal structures of the planet are cracking and people are being impaled! Oh now people are hurtling through the air....
Clark's space ship looks like a mine from minesweep... haha
Oh inside he's getting all the education possible... oh and aging on the way..... so he's going to be super smart...
His pod reaches earth's atmosphere and starts to burn up. It lands in a field and causes a car with a man and a woman in it to get a flat tire. They notice the huge mark left by his ship and then the boy... oh they want to adopt him...
Cut to football practice. Clark's the ball boy. He's the bitch. Got a lot to clean up after this game.... everyone else can have fun but him...
oh man the effect of his super speed is ridiculous.... awful..
we get a foreshadow of Lois Lang on a train that clark run's past.. Oh and he's going to beat everyone to the house or whatever they're staying at...
OH he beat them home...
Oh shit his dad has a heart attack and dies! after telling clark he's here for a reason! sad. funeral up on a hill.
The day finally comes when Clark has to leave. His mother is older and she knew this day would come. Where will he go? North.
So he ends up at like, the North Pole or some shit. It's all ice. he brought the kryptonite rod with him and puts it on the ground. It melts through and then all these ice crystals way the fuck out start popping up. On they are like perfectly geometric... awesome. So Clark goes exploring.
Some of those crystals look reallllly similar to acrylic tubing hahaha
He puts a clear crystal into a VCR and out projects Marlon Brando's face in this weird Andy Warhol-esque effect, floating. He's all like, Hey I'm Durrell. I'm your father. And says other stuff about who he is who Clark (Kallel, only survivor from planet Krypton).
They go on a cosmic journey, breaking through the earthly bounds or whatever. I don't know. He's getting all weird. Ok. So after all that travelling through time and space we come back to the crystal structure and its christopher reeve in the superman outfit and he flies towards the viewer and off the frame. Ha ha what? Ok.
Now we're at the Daily Planet looking thru a camera lens... It's Lois Lane on the othr end of the lens... and te guy taking the picture is Jimmy Olson, dorky photographer.
Clark is in the office Lois and Jimmy walk into. The boss's office, here's that story! They have a humorous bit where clark is asked to open this bottle for the boss and he can't do it so Lois grabs it and hits the bottle cap against the desk and hands it back. He then opens it, but not without a bit more struggling (it's funny because he has super human strength...) and it explodes everywhere.
Clark wants half his paycheck sent to this address. He sends it to his silver haired mother...
After his first day clark catches lois on the way out and follows her talking to her. They get held up by a guy with a gun and clark acts like a complete pussy. I'm not sure I understand this way of doing things... I mean, he could be the shit. But instead he's just a dorky pussy who loves his mother way too much.
Gene Hackman's character is introduced via his voice... Not sure what's going on right now... Not sure I can finish this play by play.... maybe a summary after I finish it? but here's some photos.
Light up another bowl yo!
it was really weird seeing Marlon Brando's name zoom onto the screen in blue text... all of the credits are doing this.
Now there's a shot of the sun? Something weird. A blue orb.... one of them is where Superman came from I'm assuming? OH an ice planet. Not Hoth....
or are those crystals?
So there's a huge orb building and inside is some kind of committee deciding what to do with a few people accused and being held in a couple hoola hoops floating around everywhere. The leader/speaker guy has funky white hair. They are being banished from the planet Krypton? They are found guilty by these giant floating heads.
The White hair guy has a cane that lights up on the end.
DURRELL!
whoa. the orb swung open and the 3 people in the hoola hoops also have a beam of light coming out from beneath them... this is really weird. Hahaha. A weird diamond shape thing oh wait its only 2 dimensional.... whoa. ok so tthat swings by and takes them away. They are seen crammed into the shape screaming FORGIVE ME!
All these people have bright white suits on with different symbols on their chests. Durrell's is the Superman "S".... hmmmm
He's ranting about the planet exploding within 30 days... For some reason he just has a feeling.
OH HOLY FUCKING SHIT DURRELL IS FUCKING MARLON BRANDO. WHAAAAAAAAAT.
Wow.
So they are now going to banish him from Krypton for sparking fear among everyone... I guess he's the only one who thinks the planet will blow up... he says oh I'll stay quiet... but my wife and child and I might leave? I don't know...
So now we see his home and wife and son. They are going to send their son to Earth. WHy?? They are thousands of years behind us. He says he'll need it... I don't know....
The council is investigating him and some misuse of power or something... so he might get in trouble and be banished anyway...
marlon Brando is saying some last words to the little boy before sending him to earth.
So everything in the future is controlled by crystals.
Don't forget the Kryptonite for your flight down, son!
The whole planet is like, crumbling. I think his parents are going to be in lots of trouble.....
oh no the crystal structures of the planet are cracking and people are being impaled! Oh now people are hurtling through the air....
Clark's space ship looks like a mine from minesweep... haha
Oh inside he's getting all the education possible... oh and aging on the way..... so he's going to be super smart...
His pod reaches earth's atmosphere and starts to burn up. It lands in a field and causes a car with a man and a woman in it to get a flat tire. They notice the huge mark left by his ship and then the boy... oh they want to adopt him...
Cut to football practice. Clark's the ball boy. He's the bitch. Got a lot to clean up after this game.... everyone else can have fun but him...
oh man the effect of his super speed is ridiculous.... awful..
we get a foreshadow of Lois Lang on a train that clark run's past.. Oh and he's going to beat everyone to the house or whatever they're staying at...
OH he beat them home...
Oh shit his dad has a heart attack and dies! after telling clark he's here for a reason! sad. funeral up on a hill.
The day finally comes when Clark has to leave. His mother is older and she knew this day would come. Where will he go? North.
So he ends up at like, the North Pole or some shit. It's all ice. he brought the kryptonite rod with him and puts it on the ground. It melts through and then all these ice crystals way the fuck out start popping up. On they are like perfectly geometric... awesome. So Clark goes exploring.
Some of those crystals look reallllly similar to acrylic tubing hahaha
He puts a clear crystal into a VCR and out projects Marlon Brando's face in this weird Andy Warhol-esque effect, floating. He's all like, Hey I'm Durrell. I'm your father. And says other stuff about who he is who Clark (Kallel, only survivor from planet Krypton).
They go on a cosmic journey, breaking through the earthly bounds or whatever. I don't know. He's getting all weird. Ok. So after all that travelling through time and space we come back to the crystal structure and its christopher reeve in the superman outfit and he flies towards the viewer and off the frame. Ha ha what? Ok.
Now we're at the Daily Planet looking thru a camera lens... It's Lois Lane on the othr end of the lens... and te guy taking the picture is Jimmy Olson, dorky photographer.
Clark is in the office Lois and Jimmy walk into. The boss's office, here's that story! They have a humorous bit where clark is asked to open this bottle for the boss and he can't do it so Lois grabs it and hits the bottle cap against the desk and hands it back. He then opens it, but not without a bit more struggling (it's funny because he has super human strength...) and it explodes everywhere.
Clark wants half his paycheck sent to this address. He sends it to his silver haired mother...
After his first day clark catches lois on the way out and follows her talking to her. They get held up by a guy with a gun and clark acts like a complete pussy. I'm not sure I understand this way of doing things... I mean, he could be the shit. But instead he's just a dorky pussy who loves his mother way too much.
Gene Hackman's character is introduced via his voice... Not sure what's going on right now... Not sure I can finish this play by play.... maybe a summary after I finish it? but here's some photos.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason takes Manhattan on AMC! Sweet!
So like a really small senior class is sailing on this giant ship Lazurus to Manhattan for their senior trip. There's only like 8 of them.... two get killed on their yacht while about to make rove... One of the teachers says the reason Tracy and Billy didn't show up is because they probably wanted to explore each other rather than Manhattan. Jason has been brought back to life because of their boat or something....
So anyway, the kids are on a senior cruise and there's a shit load to do on this barge. Shoot clay pigeons, make retarded 80's pop rock girl hair band videos, die in the stairwell while making said stupid videos... yeah girl got chopped/hacked with her sparkly purple Gibson Flying V guitar.
So yeah, now the boys are boxing in the boiler room or something. Yeah a white kid against a black kid. Two chicks are watching thru glass from above. Black kid wins. Smiles at chicks.
White girl says to asian girl Yo we should get crazy. A little extra curricular drugs if you know what I mean. So they go somewhere's in the barge, looks like a boiler room again. And white girl gets out some 'white girl' if you know what I mean. And asian girl's all 'oh I don't know'.... then the Principal guy walks in and is all weird and creepy and like Yo you girl's doing drugs down here? No! The just exploring the ship! Well he can make sure they don't graduate if they do drugs (but wait why the senior class trip if they haven't graduated?) Oh whatever. They have to stay ON the boat while everyone gets off on Manhattan.
Oh other things to do on this cruise is die in a steam room. Jason walks in and grabs the hot rocks for steamin' and plunges it into the guys torso and it catches on fire for a second, like it does.
So the bitch white gurl accidently bumps white girl top student off the boat because that's funny. She almost drowns! She's afraid of the water and has weird visions of a child pulling her under.
She's ok! The uncle/principal is angry at the teacher for hanging out with his neice. But she's her best student! She's got talent!
Principal/Uncle of top student wanders into Bitch White Girl's room and she's in a bath robe drinkin shampain and he's like where'd you get that? Oh she packed it for them! Then he's all you could be in trouble! And she's like "wait don't you want to see my biology project?" (Disrobe) and he's all (literally) like "Hey!"..... "Hey what are you doing? You... stop. You should stop." And then they make out a bit and he remembers he's an uncle... Or wait the principal.
So the film guy gets it on film and principal threatens he won't go to film school! What! He made a TOTALLY killer video earlier!
The kids are in for a storm! White Bitch Girl dies in her bathroom. Jason just barges right in. The captain and skipper are at the helm/driving room and they notice a huge storm is coming. The Skipper has a kid. How old? 19 months. Captian says "Tremendous age!" Bullshit. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm willing to bet 19months old babies are NOT tremendous at that age! More like annoying as fuck!
Jason kills the skipper. Stabs him from afar! Weird! Oh so then the captain walks in and Jason cuts him from behind. Eventually they all (the rest of the characters, like 6 students left now...) end up in the driving room. Including the black one. And he's in a SWEEEEET track jacket. I want it. He and his guys want to go find Jason Vorhees and kick his mothafuckass. They know it's Jason Vorhees because the weird crazy guy that helps clean the boat kept telling everyone they'd all die and Jason has come back form the dead and is walkin the ship now.
Principal is in charge here!
Tv break...
Camera guy is wandering around the boiler room where I thought he was filming? I guess she was dancin and jammin' all by herself.... Hmm ok.
So he loses his glasses and somehow has a gun and shoots the first person he see.s...... oh smart kid. He uses his camera to focus. Oh but wait he shot the wrong guy. Shoot Jason! He stepped into the frame! And knocks the camera outta his hand.... Oh shit.... while he's running he trips over 80s rocker gurl JJ. And JV grabs film dork and tosses him onto something that simultaneously electrocuted him and set him on fire....
Now the boat's on fire! How! They're surrounded by water.
Now that the captain is dead, his son has to steer the ship. The son kinda looks like a very young Jason Preiesly, the guy from 90210....
Jason's costume ALWAYS looks like he just got outta tha water.. I mean ok NOW it's raining but like the whole time you were running around the boat killin people indoors your costume was stilllllllll wet.
So the black guy and his buds are running around on deck (now raining remember) and Jason is chasing one but kinda just lets him climb up one of the masts or whatever. OH hey Jason you made it all the way up there to grab him and throw him off... that made no scientific sense... I'm assuming he landed on something sharp? It went to commercial right at that part. Yeah. He landed on an antenna. The black guy found him.
Jason finds him! Oh shit! So .... oh wow. So The Black Dude dies by Jason throwing him overboard to drown.... because black people can't swim or something. Lame man.
So everyone's meeting back in the cafeteria.
Principal is in the kitchen with Jason. There's one sharp knife hanging with two spatulas and two strainers. Weird. Oh they cut back to it and it's gone! Jason prolly took it... And behind Boiler Room Door is WATER!!!!!!!!!!
And Top Student Girl who can't swim has to face her fears! That's why she's on this trip!
Mike walked in and said that Principal looks English. Sam says, "No not English. Principal."
Oh Shit the black guy can swim! Because he's an athelete!
They make it onto a life raft heading towards Manhattan when the black guy pops outta tha water and into the life raft.
It's all foggy and shit. Oh good. Top Student Gurl got to keep her dog. So it's Principal, Principals neice (aka Top Student Gurl), Her dog, son of captain and the one teacher. Oh and the black guy.
Commercial break.
It's night and they see the skyline of New York! The black guy sings and they dock the boat at a dock in which the Principal blames the woman teacher for picking such a bad spot.
Oh Top Student Girl is already getting raped! They all get mugged and the two dudes take her away to have fun with her. She looks like a party girl. He's gonna inject her with heroin. Please don't hurt me. Oh man free heroin. It won't hurt if you're stoned gurl.
OH SHIT JASON stabs the dude from behind. What a buzz kill! He saved her tho..... WHY?
He's getting shot at by the other dude. Runs outta bullets so Jason smashes his face on a pipe of some sort. because they are in an urban location. There are steaming hot pipes everywhere.
The black guy runs into a phone booth trying to call the cops. Jason gets to him and punches the booth out but he escapes! On to a building he some how ends up at... bad sentence...
Oh so he boxes him. And Jason doesn't do anything. Oh he's getting tired. I got so bored of this scene I forgot how it ended. It ends with Jason punching the kid off the building.
Commercial break.
And we return to Heroin Girl having Heroin Visions and the son finds her.
FREEZE! Shouts the cop at the female teacher. Oh he's also pointing his gun at her? Only until Principal is all like oh yo she's wit me.
Heroin Girl and Son run around corner and meet up wiht them all. They get into the cop car and HOLY SHIT ITS THE BLACK GUYS HEAD AHHH JASON!
Heroin Girl jumps into the drivers seat as the cop gets fucking owned by Jason.
Mike: Wait why would they let the woman drive?
Sam: Because in this case, they want to run over someone.
Holy shit.
She guns it at this weird alien looking person mutated shirtless garbage. It's Jason. He turns into a puddle as the engine catches fire. They're all ok tho. Heroine Girl stares into the puddle in the flames and then it changes to a shot of the lake and people on a boat... Fire.... to water....
It's a flashback to Heroine girl and Ass Hole Uncle. He has a weird conversation with her and he shoves her in the water.... she can't swim! OH shit! She gets puulled under by this mutant child and I think that's Jason as a child? So she's somehow related to Jason?
The flashback returns to reality. You pushed me into the lake! He was trying to teach you. She runs away and Son shoves Ass Hole Uncle over. Jason's alive!
Ass Hole is all That's not possible! They somehow end up in a building and they are up a few stories and so Jason throws Ass hole out the window and then retrieves him and shoves him headfirst into a huge drum of goo stuff. It's like gak.
commercial break
Let's do lunch! With Marie Osmond! No. No thank you.
Heroine Girl is coming down off her Heroin High. Oh cute. Son and her kiss. ok now what. Where is this movie going? I thought he
oH right he wasn't actually dead yet. so Jason barges thru the door to wherever they are. They run and end up on the subway.
Hey everybody! QUAYTON LIVES!!!!!!!!!!
Wow that chick took a really hard stunt. Jason like plowed thru her on the subway.
They pull the E break. jason goes sliding away almost comically. They escape out the subway and onto the rails. Oh shit Jason trips on the tracks and gets fucking electrocuted to death by them. That's how he was brought back to life in the beginning of this movie...
They end up in Times Square. And everything is ok it's all capitalist again.
Livin' in the city ain't no big deal. If the crack don't getcha the hookers will.
Jason just showed his face to some punks. They ran away.
Heroine and Son run into a diner. They needed a phone! A maniac is after them! Welcome to Knew York says Redhead Bitch. So one of the cooks comes from the back and he's huge and he's like gonna deck Jason but Jason picks his ass up and throws him OVER the counter INTO a glass mirror.
They end up being somewhat alone with Jason in the city in an ally..... I can't remember where they're going.... It's a commercial again.
So they go running in the sewer. I feel like that's jason's home? He looks like that's where he steps out from.
Oh so they flood the sewers with toxic waste at midnight in New York. They find a worker and get his help to find a way out and OH SHIT JASON COMES OUT OF NOWHERE and gets the worker and bashes his head in. The boy friend is down. The Heroine shines a flashlight at jason and is all you didin't get me in the lake and you won't get me now. .... and she runs and finds a drum of New York Toxic Waste and punches holes in it? and picks it up and throws it on jason. EW HE"S BURNING. Ew his mask is off. Ew. Ok so they run and climb up this ladder and are just above the toxic waste line and he slowly melts away. Like, He won't die. HE WILL NOT DIE. The toxic waste goes down and there's a boy..... It's the truffle shuffle kid!.
Ok so they are under the statue of liberty somehow?
So the boyfriend is all hey i have your necklace for that 22 story tall buliding statue they have here. They hug. And Heroine sees TOBY! Her dog! He ran away at some point.... but now he's back!
And it ends with some 80s music..
Oh right, Kane Hodder is the name of the actor playing Jason! Sweet name....
So anyway, the kids are on a senior cruise and there's a shit load to do on this barge. Shoot clay pigeons, make retarded 80's pop rock girl hair band videos, die in the stairwell while making said stupid videos... yeah girl got chopped/hacked with her sparkly purple Gibson Flying V guitar.
So yeah, now the boys are boxing in the boiler room or something. Yeah a white kid against a black kid. Two chicks are watching thru glass from above. Black kid wins. Smiles at chicks.
White girl says to asian girl Yo we should get crazy. A little extra curricular drugs if you know what I mean. So they go somewhere's in the barge, looks like a boiler room again. And white girl gets out some 'white girl' if you know what I mean. And asian girl's all 'oh I don't know'.... then the Principal guy walks in and is all weird and creepy and like Yo you girl's doing drugs down here? No! The just exploring the ship! Well he can make sure they don't graduate if they do drugs (but wait why the senior class trip if they haven't graduated?) Oh whatever. They have to stay ON the boat while everyone gets off on Manhattan.
Oh other things to do on this cruise is die in a steam room. Jason walks in and grabs the hot rocks for steamin' and plunges it into the guys torso and it catches on fire for a second, like it does.
So the bitch white gurl accidently bumps white girl top student off the boat because that's funny. She almost drowns! She's afraid of the water and has weird visions of a child pulling her under.
She's ok! The uncle/principal is angry at the teacher for hanging out with his neice. But she's her best student! She's got talent!
Principal/Uncle of top student wanders into Bitch White Girl's room and she's in a bath robe drinkin shampain and he's like where'd you get that? Oh she packed it for them! Then he's all you could be in trouble! And she's like "wait don't you want to see my biology project?" (Disrobe) and he's all (literally) like "Hey!"..... "Hey what are you doing? You... stop. You should stop." And then they make out a bit and he remembers he's an uncle... Or wait the principal.
So the film guy gets it on film and principal threatens he won't go to film school! What! He made a TOTALLY killer video earlier!
The kids are in for a storm! White Bitch Girl dies in her bathroom. Jason just barges right in. The captain and skipper are at the helm/driving room and they notice a huge storm is coming. The Skipper has a kid. How old? 19 months. Captian says "Tremendous age!" Bullshit. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm willing to bet 19months old babies are NOT tremendous at that age! More like annoying as fuck!
Jason kills the skipper. Stabs him from afar! Weird! Oh so then the captain walks in and Jason cuts him from behind. Eventually they all (the rest of the characters, like 6 students left now...) end up in the driving room. Including the black one. And he's in a SWEEEEET track jacket. I want it. He and his guys want to go find Jason Vorhees and kick his mothafuckass. They know it's Jason Vorhees because the weird crazy guy that helps clean the boat kept telling everyone they'd all die and Jason has come back form the dead and is walkin the ship now.
Principal is in charge here!
Tv break...
Camera guy is wandering around the boiler room where I thought he was filming? I guess she was dancin and jammin' all by herself.... Hmm ok.
So he loses his glasses and somehow has a gun and shoots the first person he see.s...... oh smart kid. He uses his camera to focus. Oh but wait he shot the wrong guy. Shoot Jason! He stepped into the frame! And knocks the camera outta his hand.... Oh shit.... while he's running he trips over 80s rocker gurl JJ. And JV grabs film dork and tosses him onto something that simultaneously electrocuted him and set him on fire....
Now the boat's on fire! How! They're surrounded by water.
Now that the captain is dead, his son has to steer the ship. The son kinda looks like a very young Jason Preiesly, the guy from 90210....
Jason's costume ALWAYS looks like he just got outta tha water.. I mean ok NOW it's raining but like the whole time you were running around the boat killin people indoors your costume was stilllllllll wet.
So the black guy and his buds are running around on deck (now raining remember) and Jason is chasing one but kinda just lets him climb up one of the masts or whatever. OH hey Jason you made it all the way up there to grab him and throw him off... that made no scientific sense... I'm assuming he landed on something sharp? It went to commercial right at that part. Yeah. He landed on an antenna. The black guy found him.
Jason finds him! Oh shit! So .... oh wow. So The Black Dude dies by Jason throwing him overboard to drown.... because black people can't swim or something. Lame man.
So everyone's meeting back in the cafeteria.
Principal is in the kitchen with Jason. There's one sharp knife hanging with two spatulas and two strainers. Weird. Oh they cut back to it and it's gone! Jason prolly took it... And behind Boiler Room Door is WATER!!!!!!!!!!
And Top Student Girl who can't swim has to face her fears! That's why she's on this trip!
Mike walked in and said that Principal looks English. Sam says, "No not English. Principal."
Oh Shit the black guy can swim! Because he's an athelete!
They make it onto a life raft heading towards Manhattan when the black guy pops outta tha water and into the life raft.
It's all foggy and shit. Oh good. Top Student Gurl got to keep her dog. So it's Principal, Principals neice (aka Top Student Gurl), Her dog, son of captain and the one teacher. Oh and the black guy.
Commercial break.
It's night and they see the skyline of New York! The black guy sings and they dock the boat at a dock in which the Principal blames the woman teacher for picking such a bad spot.
Oh Top Student Girl is already getting raped! They all get mugged and the two dudes take her away to have fun with her. She looks like a party girl. He's gonna inject her with heroin. Please don't hurt me. Oh man free heroin. It won't hurt if you're stoned gurl.
OH SHIT JASON stabs the dude from behind. What a buzz kill! He saved her tho..... WHY?
He's getting shot at by the other dude. Runs outta bullets so Jason smashes his face on a pipe of some sort. because they are in an urban location. There are steaming hot pipes everywhere.
The black guy runs into a phone booth trying to call the cops. Jason gets to him and punches the booth out but he escapes! On to a building he some how ends up at... bad sentence...
Oh so he boxes him. And Jason doesn't do anything. Oh he's getting tired. I got so bored of this scene I forgot how it ended. It ends with Jason punching the kid off the building.
Commercial break.
And we return to Heroin Girl having Heroin Visions and the son finds her.
FREEZE! Shouts the cop at the female teacher. Oh he's also pointing his gun at her? Only until Principal is all like oh yo she's wit me.
Heroin Girl and Son run around corner and meet up wiht them all. They get into the cop car and HOLY SHIT ITS THE BLACK GUYS HEAD AHHH JASON!
Heroin Girl jumps into the drivers seat as the cop gets fucking owned by Jason.
Mike: Wait why would they let the woman drive?
Sam: Because in this case, they want to run over someone.
Holy shit.
She guns it at this weird alien looking person mutated shirtless garbage. It's Jason. He turns into a puddle as the engine catches fire. They're all ok tho. Heroine Girl stares into the puddle in the flames and then it changes to a shot of the lake and people on a boat... Fire.... to water....
It's a flashback to Heroine girl and Ass Hole Uncle. He has a weird conversation with her and he shoves her in the water.... she can't swim! OH shit! She gets puulled under by this mutant child and I think that's Jason as a child? So she's somehow related to Jason?
The flashback returns to reality. You pushed me into the lake! He was trying to teach you. She runs away and Son shoves Ass Hole Uncle over. Jason's alive!
Ass Hole is all That's not possible! They somehow end up in a building and they are up a few stories and so Jason throws Ass hole out the window and then retrieves him and shoves him headfirst into a huge drum of goo stuff. It's like gak.
commercial break
Let's do lunch! With Marie Osmond! No. No thank you.
Heroine Girl is coming down off her Heroin High. Oh cute. Son and her kiss. ok now what. Where is this movie going? I thought he
oH right he wasn't actually dead yet. so Jason barges thru the door to wherever they are. They run and end up on the subway.
Hey everybody! QUAYTON LIVES!!!!!!!!!!
Wow that chick took a really hard stunt. Jason like plowed thru her on the subway.
They pull the E break. jason goes sliding away almost comically. They escape out the subway and onto the rails. Oh shit Jason trips on the tracks and gets fucking electrocuted to death by them. That's how he was brought back to life in the beginning of this movie...
They end up in Times Square. And everything is ok it's all capitalist again.
Livin' in the city ain't no big deal. If the crack don't getcha the hookers will.
Jason just showed his face to some punks. They ran away.
Heroine and Son run into a diner. They needed a phone! A maniac is after them! Welcome to Knew York says Redhead Bitch. So one of the cooks comes from the back and he's huge and he's like gonna deck Jason but Jason picks his ass up and throws him OVER the counter INTO a glass mirror.
They end up being somewhat alone with Jason in the city in an ally..... I can't remember where they're going.... It's a commercial again.
So they go running in the sewer. I feel like that's jason's home? He looks like that's where he steps out from.
Oh so they flood the sewers with toxic waste at midnight in New York. They find a worker and get his help to find a way out and OH SHIT JASON COMES OUT OF NOWHERE and gets the worker and bashes his head in. The boy friend is down. The Heroine shines a flashlight at jason and is all you didin't get me in the lake and you won't get me now. .... and she runs and finds a drum of New York Toxic Waste and punches holes in it? and picks it up and throws it on jason. EW HE"S BURNING. Ew his mask is off. Ew. Ok so they run and climb up this ladder and are just above the toxic waste line and he slowly melts away. Like, He won't die. HE WILL NOT DIE. The toxic waste goes down and there's a boy..... It's the truffle shuffle kid!.
Ok so they are under the statue of liberty somehow?
So the boyfriend is all hey i have your necklace for that 22 story tall buliding statue they have here. They hug. And Heroine sees TOBY! Her dog! He ran away at some point.... but now he's back!
And it ends with some 80s music..
Oh right, Kane Hodder is the name of the actor playing Jason! Sweet name....
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Friday the 13th Part I.
This movie has a lame title sequence. These 2 kids bout to have sex in the woods get interrupted by someone they may know... then they get killed...
"Friday the 13th" crashes thru some glass 'cause that makes sense.
There's a girl hitch-hiking her way to Camp Crystal Lane to volunteer. The locals are all spooked 'bout the "Death Curse" at Camp Crystal Lane. 2 kids murdered in 68, boy drowned in 67 (they tell you this in that order so the viewers go Oh so the two murders happened as a result of the boy drowning. So this is like, a revenge movie).
And now those kids are dead. So the other counselors are carpooling. Oh right it's Kevin Bacon!
So the chick hops in a jeep with someone we never see and the driver gets creepier and creepier and she rolls out the car into a ditch and then has to limp run from the person tailing her. This music resembles Psycho a lot.
Oh shit the girl tripped right at the feet of weird person following her and gets her throat straight up slit. Ew. Then the frame gets all washed out and its back to the rest of the counselors in their bathing suits hangin' out bein' stupid.
Yeah they're so stupid. One of the guys like, almost drowned.
Nice jammers tan, K. Bacon.
The redhead counselor girl has a weird thing for the nerdy/hipster looking guy with creepy/hipster facial hair. There's a snake in my dresser! What do they do to it? Kill it! Oh they all rush in to save her. ALL of them. And now they're tearing apart her rooom to find it. And they do. With... a machete.... wait where did he get that?
I'm guessing that snake was some kind of metaphor.
Hey they were smoking pot out there! And for some reason the Cop on a bike smelled them smoking? Or no he's looking for Lenny. On the double. Roger that. 10-4. over and out.
They ain't gonna stand for any weirdness out there at Crystal Lane. No homos!
Pretty sure that cop's bike don't wail like that.
The redhead is doing dishes and run into the town crazy. He pops out of the pantry. He's a messenger from GOD! You're doomed if you stay! I think he's Jason's dad. I think we just met Ralph. He bikes everywhere I guess.
The electricity is out. Don't worry, one of them was taught how to use the emergency generator. They are fixing the electricity. To the fuse box! Generator I mean! This is where I'll leave off...
This movie has a lame title sequence. These 2 kids bout to have sex in the woods get interrupted by someone they may know... then they get killed...
"Friday the 13th" crashes thru some glass 'cause that makes sense.
There's a girl hitch-hiking her way to Camp Crystal Lane to volunteer. The locals are all spooked 'bout the "Death Curse" at Camp Crystal Lane. 2 kids murdered in 68, boy drowned in 67 (they tell you this in that order so the viewers go Oh so the two murders happened as a result of the boy drowning. So this is like, a revenge movie).
And now those kids are dead. So the other counselors are carpooling. Oh right it's Kevin Bacon!
So the chick hops in a jeep with someone we never see and the driver gets creepier and creepier and she rolls out the car into a ditch and then has to limp run from the person tailing her. This music resembles Psycho a lot.
Oh shit the girl tripped right at the feet of weird person following her and gets her throat straight up slit. Ew. Then the frame gets all washed out and its back to the rest of the counselors in their bathing suits hangin' out bein' stupid.
Yeah they're so stupid. One of the guys like, almost drowned.
Nice jammers tan, K. Bacon.
The redhead counselor girl has a weird thing for the nerdy/hipster looking guy with creepy/hipster facial hair. There's a snake in my dresser! What do they do to it? Kill it! Oh they all rush in to save her. ALL of them. And now they're tearing apart her rooom to find it. And they do. With... a machete.... wait where did he get that?
I'm guessing that snake was some kind of metaphor.
Hey they were smoking pot out there! And for some reason the Cop on a bike smelled them smoking? Or no he's looking for Lenny. On the double. Roger that. 10-4. over and out.
They ain't gonna stand for any weirdness out there at Crystal Lane. No homos!
Pretty sure that cop's bike don't wail like that.
The redhead is doing dishes and run into the town crazy. He pops out of the pantry. He's a messenger from GOD! You're doomed if you stay! I think he's Jason's dad. I think we just met Ralph. He bikes everywhere I guess.
The electricity is out. Don't worry, one of them was taught how to use the emergency generator. They are fixing the electricity. To the fuse box! Generator I mean! This is where I'll leave off...
Sunday, June 27, 2010
If he didn't glow so much, he could hide
The Iceman Cometh!
Mercy? I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy.
In this universe, there's only one absolute: everything freeeeezes.
You are not sending me to the cooler!
What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!
Icey-cold of space. At 30,000 feet, your heart will freeze and beat no more.
After you're frozen, your icy tomb will plummet back to earth. Freeze well!
Stay cool, bird boy.
Can you be cold, Batman?
FROSTY!
I will freeze the city. Unless the city bows to my demands, an endless winter!
Oh right, I never actually was reviewing this one. I was just writing down all of Arnold's cold/ice/freeze/winter/chilly/FROSTY!/general temperature related puns. This is all from the first half hour I think.... I'll add more later once I finish watching it again.
The movie is basically super retarded. Alicia Silverstone is retarded. The plot is retarded. Mr. Freeze is evil now that his wife is dying/in a hypodermic frozen state but needs all these diamonds to like, bring her back to life. So naturally he is evil as fuck (used loosely.... "mercy? I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy! FREEZE!") and goes around to all these museums and steals the really big diamonds. There are a lot of really big diamonds in Gotham City (which at some points strongly resembles NYC... hmmm....). So that's that subplot...
There's Uma Thurman's Poison Ivy character which is not very ravishing slash intriguing. She's first a push-over weird botonist obsessed with saving the planet by abolishing all carbon fuels and coals and oil and all that shit. To which George Clooney replies in that George Clooney way "No fuel and natural gas would cause millions to starve, to FREEZE to death..." etc. But she stumbles upon her really weird bosses' TRUE work (taking convicts, pumping this venom into him making him really dumb [only speaks in one-word 'sentences'], and a killing machine. So he's selling this product to other countries so they can like, take their convicts and build a super army out of them. So anyway, then Uma gets caught spying and of course this guy is like well bitch you have to die or JOIN ME. She's all NO! This goes against all I was working against! Which, kind of not really, I guess.
I haven't really watched passed that weird ball/auction thing where Ivy shows up and hypnotizes Batman and Robin to which they have this ridiculous bidding war over her and Batman ends up pulling out a credit card with his bat emblem on it and saying one of the worst lines in the movie, no, ever: "Batcard. Never leave the cave without it." 'Worst line in the movie' again used loosely, as Mr. Freeze takes most of those.... he rivals with all of Jim Carrey's incredibly stupid 'riddle' lines in the previous film. Glad Val Kilmer got out of that franchise. Joel Schumacher... Jesus.
But anyway, Mr. Freeze crashes the party and steals the diamonds on auction because this whole thing was to lure Mr. Freeze. It's weird no one suspects Bruce Wayne to be Batman because I mean, the whole thing is set up by him. He has the money. Oh well.
Mr. Freeze leaves after getting his diamond, but not after shouting clumsily "COOL PARHHTY!"
Oh wait I remembered another part we watched. Oh jesus this is long.
So for some odd reason, Mr. Freeze's car is actually th is rocket, which for whatever reason, he only plans to shoot it up into the air, fairly high, and then like, ditch it in the air and fly away on his weird wings... But oh no! Batman and Robin have joined the flight plan! Robin gets knocked out, or something. Batman gets his hands frozen to the inside of the ship and then the thing is now turned into a bomb and will explode with both the Bat and Birdboy inside.
Robin comes back, has this melty gun which is kind of handy. But I guess when you're going up against a villain named Mr. Freeze and shoots ice out of a cannon, a heat gun is pretty handy. Then the most ridiculous part of the movie happens (so far. actually all of it is extremely ridiculous). Bat gets free, then figures out the doorport lock things can be ejected and if stood on correctly, used as a surfboard. COOL! So they like surf through the air down to Mr. Freeze, I think there's an in-air scuffle? Robin grabs the diamond. But then Robin gets reckless on the ground (as all robins do...) and jumps to save Bat and Mr. Freeze freezes him. "Stay cool, Bierd BOy"
So then Bat picks up Bird Boy as a big thing of ice (is that physically humanly possible?) Prolly not. Oh well. Then puts him in this tub of water that happens to be there. And with HIS heat gun, heats up the water super fast to thaw him out. I think I stopped there.
The rest of it goes on with Alicia Silverstone being Alfred's niece and then is also into bike racing... robin follows her, saves her from something.... probably a man....
She stumbles upon the batcave, therefore must DIE!
no just kidding. She of course becomes.... I'm not actually sure. I haven't watched this part yet again. Alfred almost dies, but coincidentally the same stuff that keeps Mr. Freeze alive is what cures Alfred. Or did Freeze put that sickness in Alfred? And that's why they have the same antidote or whatever? OH well. Whatever. I forget how it ends. I think there's a cliff scene? I forget how Poison Ivy dies... something about kissing Robin.... Ugh. Ok I'll add more when I actually watch the rest...
So I'm restarting Batman & Robin.
When I catch up to how far I've already watched, I'll start here: Somewhere in the middle of the Auction.
so we actually started in Mr. Freeze's hideout in a Snowy's frozen Foods store... Good camo.
Oh, hey Vivica A. Fox....... Talk about a cold shoulder! She's doing puns too!
Mr. Freeze wants quality time with his frozen tv dinner wife.
Let him be, ok. They need some quality time.
Nice library. Oh of course robin was upstairs and had to descend the spiral stair case.
Alfred apologizes for not responding to the doorbell. It hasn't happened in 30 years.
Alicia Silverstone is at the door. Robin says "Please say you're here for me!" She's not. NO one is.
She's the neice of Alfred. Her parents died in a car accident...
It says so on the patch on your sweater... Good one George. You're so observant.
She likes the look of the chopper, don't worry Alfred, they scare me to death!
This movie is lazy. I forgot how bad the special effects are.
Alicia Silverstone is bolting out of her bathrobe into her leather girl. Her helmet prob says "Neicey likes leather".
So all of a sudden Ivy and Bane have a limo and she has lots of wigs. Master of Disguise!
Dr. Pamela Isely (Poison Ivy)
Jesus.
It's funny 'cause i think this character poison ivy is playing is actually who she is. People would die without fossil fuels.
OK so she got an invite to the ball. I'm overlapping here.
Wedding videos for Mr. Freeze tonight. Oh he might cry! Oh........ And it just froze off.... After he freezes one of his goons and says I hate when people talkk during the movie.
One more diamond! My love.
OH yeah this scene. Oh my god.
It's the Auction. The music is awful.
Oh the scene changes from bidding on ladiez to even worse music where Poison Ivy is supposed to enchant us and enthrall us. And hypnotize us. I think there's nothing less hypnotizing than watching Uma Thurman undress herself from a giant pink gorilla costume. Like, have you SEEN her hands??? and FEET???(in kill bill 1...)... ew. Weird shit. Oh look something stupid is STILL happening.
She waltzes on the backs of those native indian dancers to the stage and proceeds to make plant puns and jokes.
Her garden needs tending. Her vagina needs tending. Someone's gonna hit the honeyhole... she's bringing everything you see. Plus everything you don't.... her vagina.
Mr. Freeze crashes the party, makes more cold jokes. Her and Poison Ivy make equally terrible plant/cold jokes at each other.
Her pheromones don't work on Freeze (fag!)
Chase scene with batman and robin and freeze in his tank they ride around on this giant, GIANT statue. Robin says he can make the jump. THey're partners. Batman says no. And makes his bike no go anymore. Freeze almost gets batman but then batman gets freeze... so I think the scene with him saying 'allow me to break the ice' is coming up.
Alfred and Bruce are having a heart to heart. I'm so bored.
Robin snuck up on the neice girl (alicia silverstone). She flips him over and screams 'HIYA!' like, really? Ok I guess so.
Welcome home Frost face. You're the common Cold, we're the cure.
Allow me to break ze ice. I try to escape. Look at him stew! He can't go further than the icey area.
Poison and Bane are househunting. They come to Turkish baths. Talk about a fixer upper.
The neon bikers already live there. They live in black lights.
Bane just screams when he does stuff.
So Ivy thinks she's god now. She can create paradise in less time than god.
Weird foli in this.....
Here's some food for thought. Bruce Wayne not the marrying kind. He just seeing Ivy in this girlfriend. Who's ivy? He wishes he knew.
Alicia silverstone steals a bike and goes to this weird gathering of biker gangs. Oh my god it's coolio. Alicia silverstone is taller than him.
There's a fop biker gang. Sweet. Lame bike helmet girl.
The course is set up in the china town district of gotham city I think. well maybe not. There's a lot of really weirdly colored items in this movie. I could have sworn those industrial barrels/drums one biker crashed into were pink and blue and yello colored.... whatever. This movie SUCKS.
Once again the music sucks. Oh flying asian painted guys on the bridge. Oh a crash. What's going on.....
Green FirE!
because apparently thats all it took to crash them. Oh the bridge is painted downwards...
So this is where you hang out? Literally.
Alfred is the most sweetest noble man alive. No he's not stupid.
Alfred's sick. No he's not sick, he's dying, says batman (bruce). Well, so he is sick. And he's dying.
mr freeze arves his wife in an icicle and puts it on the back of a clok and under a clear glass and has a spinning ice wife. cool. (haha!)
Ice head, your sister's here to see you. Sister?
Oh right ivy. THe two guards are done. They like her love dust.
Bane breaks into the safe with mr. freeze's suit. In there is a guard and the Two -Face and Riddler's outfits. hahaha
A laundry service that delivers! Wow!
Always winterize your pipes.
another sappy batman/bruce and alfred scene.
cut short, Freeze escaped! They're at his hideout.... They somehow can access the arkham asylum video survalence from there.
the police in his hideout turned on the heat. He prefers the cold. Chilled to perfection.
He comes back and turns on the cold. The police all start saying ow my lungs! oh its cold! oh no!
Bane and ivy start fighting batman and robin. Bane gets batman. Lots of bad puns are exchanged.
Oh Gordon flips the heat back on and immediately they all get up and are all like oh yeah its warm awesome! I can move!
Freeze escapes, bane gets flipped over. Robin falls into the big vat of goo. After ivy hypnotizes him. I don't understand why Ivy doesn't just kiss them everytime.
Robin's Ridin' Solo.
Gordon is disappointed.
Ivy unplugs the Cold Bitch. UH OH!
She's never been good with competetion.
Frigid Wife. Good one!
Back in poison Ivy's lair, I feel like her amount of hair has gone up... oh wait that was part of her coat. Ivy blames Batman for the death and unplugging of his wife. Oh a single tear that freezes and breaks off. Makes No sense.
Now he's angry. Blanket the city in endless winter, she will unleash the Little Shop of Horrors props on everyone. No, no, its ok. She's dropping them out of a plane so they land on everyone and kill them or something. Whatever.
So Alfred has the same thing as Mr. Freeze's wife. Now dead.
Both of Chris odonnnell's and george clooney's teeth are hideous... like, they look not flossed in a while.
Alfred is dying in bed, he hands his neice this cd case thing, she has to find his brother and give it to him. she's not to open it ever.
So the new telescope is done. A party is being held. I think someone just said h hey Dude.
Poison Ivy is here blowing her love dust on commissioner gordon to give her the keys to the bat signal. Bane tears it off.
Alfred is so weepy. I guess I'm supposed to see that there is a connection between them.
It's surprisin Alfred only used a 3 word password to keep all of batman's secret.
Ivy called Robin, it's not a batsignal.
All the crystals are in place! Don't forget the crystals!
Freeze enters. Who is this nutball??? THe black scientist lady dies too.
Bane walks around placing light up crystals saying "BOOMMMMBBB"
Leather capes. I don't get it.
So neice gurl finds the batcave and alfred knew she would wander in so like, he made her a suit and it fits perfectly and she's batgirl now instead of neicegurl... ok.
Robin goes to Ivy's palace place. He supposedly trusts batman now or something.
She kisses him after telling him mr. freeze's plan. His rubbber lips are immune to her charms.
Batgirl saves batman and says imma turn you inta compost. Yeah plant jokes all around!
She still says HIYA!
OH swalled by her own plant??? That's how she dies???? Lame.... So lame.....
No bruc its me! .... I still forget her characers name. Neicegirl! I'm not really Batgirl. I'm Neicegurl!...
Freeze is freezing gotham. With his lazer gun. He's kicking some serious ice. Everyone is freezing.
THe new squad comes out with silver accents on their suits. A short chase scene ensues, and it sucks balls. It's so stupid. This movie. Is stupid.
Where's the snowman? Maybe he melted. Nah he's probably just hibernating.
So they are going to reroute the sun via sattelite to reflect the sunlight onto gothom to thaw it.
Stupid. Outrageoius.
Oh freeze comes and crashes their cool party. the kids fall off the clifff and robin saves batgirl but then she ends up saving him. No, I've got you!
Batman fights with freeze with the weird comedic relief coming in the form of the thawed scientists, one asian man, one black woman.
Bane dies, the tube gets yanked out. EASY.
The sun gets bounced from the sun to satelites to mr. freeze.
THe city is thawing. Freeze lost. I THINK NOT! Bombs away!
I'm confused why batman would jump to risk his own life to save freeze. OH i guess he's saving those scientists.
It would take a computer genius to fix the satelittes. I'm on it, says robin. No, I'm on it, says batgirl/neicegirl/computergirl.
You could learn something from me, says the girl. Or something like that. They make gender puns.
Mr. Freeze is alive and so is his wife. He has to research the syndrome because Alfred has it too. Victor Freeze, help me save another life.
Take 2 of these and call me in the morning.
And the movie ends. no wait. He's putting neon shit in alfred's drip thing. Everything glows with him.
Poison ivy didn't die. she got sent to the asylum. She's picking flowers. Like you do.
Oh Alfred is awake. He's cured. So why isn't his wife alive? Or not in a coma.
This movie is about trust.
This movie is a piece of shit.
Mercy? I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy.
In this universe, there's only one absolute: everything freeeeezes.
You are not sending me to the cooler!
What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!
Icey-cold of space. At 30,000 feet, your heart will freeze and beat no more.
After you're frozen, your icy tomb will plummet back to earth. Freeze well!
Stay cool, bird boy.
Can you be cold, Batman?
FROSTY!
I will freeze the city. Unless the city bows to my demands, an endless winter!
Oh right, I never actually was reviewing this one. I was just writing down all of Arnold's cold/ice/freeze/winter/chilly/FROSTY!/general temperature related puns. This is all from the first half hour I think.... I'll add more later once I finish watching it again.
The movie is basically super retarded. Alicia Silverstone is retarded. The plot is retarded. Mr. Freeze is evil now that his wife is dying/in a hypodermic frozen state but needs all these diamonds to like, bring her back to life. So naturally he is evil as fuck (used loosely.... "mercy? I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy! FREEZE!") and goes around to all these museums and steals the really big diamonds. There are a lot of really big diamonds in Gotham City (which at some points strongly resembles NYC... hmmm....). So that's that subplot...
There's Uma Thurman's Poison Ivy character which is not very ravishing slash intriguing. She's first a push-over weird botonist obsessed with saving the planet by abolishing all carbon fuels and coals and oil and all that shit. To which George Clooney replies in that George Clooney way "No fuel and natural gas would cause millions to starve, to FREEZE to death..." etc. But she stumbles upon her really weird bosses' TRUE work (taking convicts, pumping this venom into him making him really dumb [only speaks in one-word 'sentences'], and a killing machine. So he's selling this product to other countries so they can like, take their convicts and build a super army out of them. So anyway, then Uma gets caught spying and of course this guy is like well bitch you have to die or JOIN ME. She's all NO! This goes against all I was working against! Which, kind of not really, I guess.
I haven't really watched passed that weird ball/auction thing where Ivy shows up and hypnotizes Batman and Robin to which they have this ridiculous bidding war over her and Batman ends up pulling out a credit card with his bat emblem on it and saying one of the worst lines in the movie, no, ever: "Batcard. Never leave the cave without it." 'Worst line in the movie' again used loosely, as Mr. Freeze takes most of those.... he rivals with all of Jim Carrey's incredibly stupid 'riddle' lines in the previous film. Glad Val Kilmer got out of that franchise. Joel Schumacher... Jesus.
But anyway, Mr. Freeze crashes the party and steals the diamonds on auction because this whole thing was to lure Mr. Freeze. It's weird no one suspects Bruce Wayne to be Batman because I mean, the whole thing is set up by him. He has the money. Oh well.
Mr. Freeze leaves after getting his diamond, but not after shouting clumsily "COOL PARHHTY!"
Oh wait I remembered another part we watched. Oh jesus this is long.
So for some odd reason, Mr. Freeze's car is actually th is rocket, which for whatever reason, he only plans to shoot it up into the air, fairly high, and then like, ditch it in the air and fly away on his weird wings... But oh no! Batman and Robin have joined the flight plan! Robin gets knocked out, or something. Batman gets his hands frozen to the inside of the ship and then the thing is now turned into a bomb and will explode with both the Bat and Birdboy inside.
Robin comes back, has this melty gun which is kind of handy. But I guess when you're going up against a villain named Mr. Freeze and shoots ice out of a cannon, a heat gun is pretty handy. Then the most ridiculous part of the movie happens (so far. actually all of it is extremely ridiculous). Bat gets free, then figures out the doorport lock things can be ejected and if stood on correctly, used as a surfboard. COOL! So they like surf through the air down to Mr. Freeze, I think there's an in-air scuffle? Robin grabs the diamond. But then Robin gets reckless on the ground (as all robins do...) and jumps to save Bat and Mr. Freeze freezes him. "Stay cool, Bierd BOy"
So then Bat picks up Bird Boy as a big thing of ice (is that physically humanly possible?) Prolly not. Oh well. Then puts him in this tub of water that happens to be there. And with HIS heat gun, heats up the water super fast to thaw him out. I think I stopped there.
The rest of it goes on with Alicia Silverstone being Alfred's niece and then is also into bike racing... robin follows her, saves her from something.... probably a man....
She stumbles upon the batcave, therefore must DIE!
no just kidding. She of course becomes.... I'm not actually sure. I haven't watched this part yet again. Alfred almost dies, but coincidentally the same stuff that keeps Mr. Freeze alive is what cures Alfred. Or did Freeze put that sickness in Alfred? And that's why they have the same antidote or whatever? OH well. Whatever. I forget how it ends. I think there's a cliff scene? I forget how Poison Ivy dies... something about kissing Robin.... Ugh. Ok I'll add more when I actually watch the rest...
So I'm restarting Batman & Robin.
When I catch up to how far I've already watched, I'll start here: Somewhere in the middle of the Auction.
so we actually started in Mr. Freeze's hideout in a Snowy's frozen Foods store... Good camo.
Oh, hey Vivica A. Fox....... Talk about a cold shoulder! She's doing puns too!
Mr. Freeze wants quality time with his frozen tv dinner wife.
Let him be, ok. They need some quality time.
Nice library. Oh of course robin was upstairs and had to descend the spiral stair case.
Alfred apologizes for not responding to the doorbell. It hasn't happened in 30 years.
Alicia Silverstone is at the door. Robin says "Please say you're here for me!" She's not. NO one is.
She's the neice of Alfred. Her parents died in a car accident...
It says so on the patch on your sweater... Good one George. You're so observant.
She likes the look of the chopper, don't worry Alfred, they scare me to death!
This movie is lazy. I forgot how bad the special effects are.
Alicia Silverstone is bolting out of her bathrobe into her leather girl. Her helmet prob says "Neicey likes leather".
So all of a sudden Ivy and Bane have a limo and she has lots of wigs. Master of Disguise!
Dr. Pamela Isely (Poison Ivy)
Jesus.
It's funny 'cause i think this character poison ivy is playing is actually who she is. People would die without fossil fuels.
OK so she got an invite to the ball. I'm overlapping here.
Wedding videos for Mr. Freeze tonight. Oh he might cry! Oh........ And it just froze off.... After he freezes one of his goons and says I hate when people talkk during the movie.
One more diamond! My love.
OH yeah this scene. Oh my god.
It's the Auction. The music is awful.
Oh the scene changes from bidding on ladiez to even worse music where Poison Ivy is supposed to enchant us and enthrall us. And hypnotize us. I think there's nothing less hypnotizing than watching Uma Thurman undress herself from a giant pink gorilla costume. Like, have you SEEN her hands??? and FEET???(in kill bill 1...)... ew. Weird shit. Oh look something stupid is STILL happening.
She waltzes on the backs of those native indian dancers to the stage and proceeds to make plant puns and jokes.
Her garden needs tending. Her vagina needs tending. Someone's gonna hit the honeyhole... she's bringing everything you see. Plus everything you don't.... her vagina.
Mr. Freeze crashes the party, makes more cold jokes. Her and Poison Ivy make equally terrible plant/cold jokes at each other.
Her pheromones don't work on Freeze (fag!)
Chase scene with batman and robin and freeze in his tank they ride around on this giant, GIANT statue. Robin says he can make the jump. THey're partners. Batman says no. And makes his bike no go anymore. Freeze almost gets batman but then batman gets freeze... so I think the scene with him saying 'allow me to break the ice' is coming up.
Alfred and Bruce are having a heart to heart. I'm so bored.
Robin snuck up on the neice girl (alicia silverstone). She flips him over and screams 'HIYA!' like, really? Ok I guess so.
Welcome home Frost face. You're the common Cold, we're the cure.
Allow me to break ze ice. I try to escape. Look at him stew! He can't go further than the icey area.
Poison and Bane are househunting. They come to Turkish baths. Talk about a fixer upper.
The neon bikers already live there. They live in black lights.
Bane just screams when he does stuff.
So Ivy thinks she's god now. She can create paradise in less time than god.
Weird foli in this.....
Here's some food for thought. Bruce Wayne not the marrying kind. He just seeing Ivy in this girlfriend. Who's ivy? He wishes he knew.
Alicia silverstone steals a bike and goes to this weird gathering of biker gangs. Oh my god it's coolio. Alicia silverstone is taller than him.
There's a fop biker gang. Sweet. Lame bike helmet girl.
The course is set up in the china town district of gotham city I think. well maybe not. There's a lot of really weirdly colored items in this movie. I could have sworn those industrial barrels/drums one biker crashed into were pink and blue and yello colored.... whatever. This movie SUCKS.
Once again the music sucks. Oh flying asian painted guys on the bridge. Oh a crash. What's going on.....
Green FirE!
because apparently thats all it took to crash them. Oh the bridge is painted downwards...
So this is where you hang out? Literally.
Alfred is the most sweetest noble man alive. No he's not stupid.
Alfred's sick. No he's not sick, he's dying, says batman (bruce). Well, so he is sick. And he's dying.
mr freeze arves his wife in an icicle and puts it on the back of a clok and under a clear glass and has a spinning ice wife. cool. (haha!)
Ice head, your sister's here to see you. Sister?
Oh right ivy. THe two guards are done. They like her love dust.
Bane breaks into the safe with mr. freeze's suit. In there is a guard and the Two -Face and Riddler's outfits. hahaha
A laundry service that delivers! Wow!
Always winterize your pipes.
another sappy batman/bruce and alfred scene.
cut short, Freeze escaped! They're at his hideout.... They somehow can access the arkham asylum video survalence from there.
the police in his hideout turned on the heat. He prefers the cold. Chilled to perfection.
He comes back and turns on the cold. The police all start saying ow my lungs! oh its cold! oh no!
Bane and ivy start fighting batman and robin. Bane gets batman. Lots of bad puns are exchanged.
Oh Gordon flips the heat back on and immediately they all get up and are all like oh yeah its warm awesome! I can move!
Freeze escapes, bane gets flipped over. Robin falls into the big vat of goo. After ivy hypnotizes him. I don't understand why Ivy doesn't just kiss them everytime.
Robin's Ridin' Solo.
Gordon is disappointed.
Ivy unplugs the Cold Bitch. UH OH!
She's never been good with competetion.
Frigid Wife. Good one!
Back in poison Ivy's lair, I feel like her amount of hair has gone up... oh wait that was part of her coat. Ivy blames Batman for the death and unplugging of his wife. Oh a single tear that freezes and breaks off. Makes No sense.
Now he's angry. Blanket the city in endless winter, she will unleash the Little Shop of Horrors props on everyone. No, no, its ok. She's dropping them out of a plane so they land on everyone and kill them or something. Whatever.
So Alfred has the same thing as Mr. Freeze's wife. Now dead.
Both of Chris odonnnell's and george clooney's teeth are hideous... like, they look not flossed in a while.
Alfred is dying in bed, he hands his neice this cd case thing, she has to find his brother and give it to him. she's not to open it ever.
So the new telescope is done. A party is being held. I think someone just said h hey Dude.
Poison Ivy is here blowing her love dust on commissioner gordon to give her the keys to the bat signal. Bane tears it off.
Alfred is so weepy. I guess I'm supposed to see that there is a connection between them.
It's surprisin Alfred only used a 3 word password to keep all of batman's secret.
Ivy called Robin, it's not a batsignal.
All the crystals are in place! Don't forget the crystals!
Freeze enters. Who is this nutball??? THe black scientist lady dies too.
Bane walks around placing light up crystals saying "BOOMMMMBBB"
Leather capes. I don't get it.
So neice gurl finds the batcave and alfred knew she would wander in so like, he made her a suit and it fits perfectly and she's batgirl now instead of neicegurl... ok.
Robin goes to Ivy's palace place. He supposedly trusts batman now or something.
She kisses him after telling him mr. freeze's plan. His rubbber lips are immune to her charms.
Batgirl saves batman and says imma turn you inta compost. Yeah plant jokes all around!
She still says HIYA!
OH swalled by her own plant??? That's how she dies???? Lame.... So lame.....
No bruc its me! .... I still forget her characers name. Neicegirl! I'm not really Batgirl. I'm Neicegurl!...
Freeze is freezing gotham. With his lazer gun. He's kicking some serious ice. Everyone is freezing.
THe new squad comes out with silver accents on their suits. A short chase scene ensues, and it sucks balls. It's so stupid. This movie. Is stupid.
Where's the snowman? Maybe he melted. Nah he's probably just hibernating.
So they are going to reroute the sun via sattelite to reflect the sunlight onto gothom to thaw it.
Stupid. Outrageoius.
Oh freeze comes and crashes their cool party. the kids fall off the clifff and robin saves batgirl but then she ends up saving him. No, I've got you!
Batman fights with freeze with the weird comedic relief coming in the form of the thawed scientists, one asian man, one black woman.
Bane dies, the tube gets yanked out. EASY.
The sun gets bounced from the sun to satelites to mr. freeze.
THe city is thawing. Freeze lost. I THINK NOT! Bombs away!
I'm confused why batman would jump to risk his own life to save freeze. OH i guess he's saving those scientists.
It would take a computer genius to fix the satelittes. I'm on it, says robin. No, I'm on it, says batgirl/neicegirl/computergirl.
You could learn something from me, says the girl. Or something like that. They make gender puns.
Mr. Freeze is alive and so is his wife. He has to research the syndrome because Alfred has it too. Victor Freeze, help me save another life.
Take 2 of these and call me in the morning.
And the movie ends. no wait. He's putting neon shit in alfred's drip thing. Everything glows with him.
Poison ivy didn't die. she got sent to the asylum. She's picking flowers. Like you do.
Oh Alfred is awake. He's cured. So why isn't his wife alive? Or not in a coma.
This movie is about trust.
This movie is a piece of shit.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Back from forgetfulness
I'm watching Batman: Forever.
is there a colon in between those?
Tommy lee jones. the only different nonbitter, old, grumpy, sarcastic law enforcement-man-of-some-kind part he plays in movies. It's probably because he wears makeup in this.
her name is chase Merridian. What. y? Gosh this is super camp. Is it on purpose tho?
Alexander Supercamp
Someone just said: It's a trap! Oh its the lame security guard NOT guarding the vault very well
Oops I stopped following along for a few minutes. What is going on? Oh two-face is trying to kill batman with acid and flying the helicopter through some serious stained glass window. Oh shit! Batman's not gone yet!
Will and I just discussed laptop deskthings for your computer. The things that keep it elevated so the underside doesn't overheat.
Anywho, a statue resembling the statue of liberty just blew up.
Oh it IS the statue of liberty. So is Gotham like, New York? That looks like Rockefeller plaza! Hey!
Whoops, missed a few minutes of this again. But it's fairly easy to follow.
Hold on. My brother's going to use the computer. I'll be back and try to review what goes on then.
Well, I never came back. I finished the movie eventually. Basically, Two-Face's weakness was his coin? Like, really? He couldn't make a decision without that coin? I mean, Val Kilmer basically set you up for your demise! (I mean really, very clever. Get him to toss his coin in the air and then conveniently grab 8 others like it out of your pocket and throw them at the same time to confuse the fuck out of Two-Face. Brilliant.)
So yeah Tommy Lee Jones falls to his death from this elevated rock formation? Yeah I'm not sure. The Riddler's end was the knowledge box thing uploading a shit ton of stuff into his head at one time so he, you know, goes insane... Not sure how that works. But oh well. Ok. I also started the Batman and Robin review but I haven't actually finished the movie yet.
Well, I never came back. I finished the movie eventually. Basically, Two-Face's weakness was his coin? Like, really? He couldn't make a decision without that coin? I mean, Val Kilmer basically set you up for your demise! (I mean really, very clever. Get him to toss his coin in the air and then conveniently grab 8 others like it out of your pocket and throw them at the same time to confuse the fuck out of Two-Face. Brilliant.)
So yeah Tommy Lee Jones falls to his death from this elevated rock formation? Yeah I'm not sure. The Riddler's end was the knowledge box thing uploading a shit ton of stuff into his head at one time so he, you know, goes insane... Not sure how that works. But oh well. Ok. I also started the Batman and Robin review but I haven't actually finished the movie yet.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Oh right I have this thing
"You have four years to be irresponsible here. Relax. Work is for people with jobs. You'll never remember class time, but you'll remember time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So, stay out late. Go out on a Tuesday with your friends when you have a paper due Wednesday. Spend money you don't have. Drink 'til sunrise. The work never ends, but college does." -Tom Petty
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