If he didn't glow so much, he could hide

The Iceman Cometh!
Mercy? I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy.
In this universe, there's only one absolute: everything freeeeezes.
You are not sending me to the cooler!
What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!
Icey-cold of space. At 30,000 feet, your heart will freeze and beat no more.
After you're frozen, your icy tomb will plummet back to earth. Freeze well!
Stay cool, bird boy.
Can you be cold, Batman?
FROSTY!
I will freeze the city. Unless the city bows to my demands, an endless winter!

Oh right, I never actually was reviewing this one. I was just writing down all of Arnold's cold/ice/freeze/winter/chilly/FROSTY!/general temperature related puns. This is all from the first half hour I think.... I'll add more later once I finish watching it again.

The movie is basically super retarded. Alicia Silverstone is retarded. The plot is retarded. Mr. Freeze is evil now that his wife is dying/in a hypodermic frozen state but needs all these diamonds to like, bring her back to life. So naturally he is evil as fuck (used loosely.... "mercy? I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy! FREEZE!") and goes around to all these museums and steals the really big diamonds. There are a lot of really big diamonds in Gotham City (which at some points strongly resembles NYC... hmmm....). So that's that subplot...
There's Uma Thurman's Poison Ivy character which is not very ravishing slash intriguing. She's first a push-over weird botonist obsessed with saving the planet by abolishing all carbon fuels and coals and oil and all that shit. To which George Clooney replies in that George Clooney way "No fuel and natural gas would cause millions to starve, to FREEZE to death..." etc. But she stumbles upon her really weird bosses' TRUE work (taking convicts, pumping this venom into him making him really dumb [only speaks in one-word 'sentences'], and a killing machine. So he's selling this product to other countries so they can like, take their convicts and build a super army out of them. So anyway, then Uma gets caught spying and of course this guy is like well bitch you have to die or JOIN ME. She's all NO! This goes against all I was working against! Which, kind of not really, I guess.

I haven't really watched passed that weird ball/auction thing where Ivy shows up and hypnotizes Batman and Robin to which they have this ridiculous bidding war over her and Batman ends up pulling out a credit card with his bat emblem on it and saying one of the worst lines in the movie, no, ever: "Batcard. Never leave the cave without it." 'Worst line in the movie' again used loosely, as Mr. Freeze takes most of those.... he rivals with all of Jim Carrey's incredibly stupid 'riddle' lines in the previous film. Glad Val Kilmer got out of that franchise. Joel Schumacher... Jesus.
But anyway, Mr. Freeze crashes the party and steals the diamonds on auction because this whole thing was to lure Mr. Freeze. It's weird no one suspects Bruce Wayne to be Batman because I mean, the whole thing is set up by him. He has the money. Oh well.
Mr. Freeze leaves after getting his diamond, but not after shouting clumsily "COOL PARHHTY!"
Oh wait I remembered another part we watched. Oh jesus this is long.
So for some odd reason, Mr. Freeze's car is actually th is rocket, which for whatever reason, he only plans to shoot it up into the air, fairly high, and then like, ditch it in the air and fly away on his weird wings... But oh no! Batman and Robin have joined the flight plan! Robin gets knocked out, or something. Batman gets his hands frozen to the inside of the ship and then the thing is now turned into a bomb and will explode with both the Bat and Birdboy inside.
Robin comes back, has this melty gun which is kind of handy. But I guess when you're going up against a villain named Mr. Freeze and shoots ice out of a cannon, a heat gun is pretty handy. Then the most ridiculous part of the movie happens (so far. actually all of it is extremely ridiculous). Bat gets free, then figures out the doorport lock things can be ejected and if stood on correctly, used as a surfboard. COOL! So they like surf through the air down to Mr. Freeze, I think there's an in-air scuffle? Robin grabs the diamond. But then Robin gets reckless on the ground (as all robins do...) and jumps to save Bat and Mr. Freeze freezes him. "Stay cool, Bierd BOy"
So then Bat picks up Bird Boy as a big thing of ice (is that physically humanly possible?) Prolly not. Oh well. Then puts him in this tub of water that happens to be there. And with HIS heat gun, heats up the water super fast to thaw him out. I think I stopped there.


The rest of it goes on with Alicia Silverstone being Alfred's niece and then is also into bike racing... robin follows her, saves her from something.... probably a man....
She stumbles upon the batcave, therefore must DIE!
no just kidding. She of course becomes.... I'm not actually sure. I haven't watched this part yet again. Alfred almost dies, but coincidentally the same stuff that keeps Mr. Freeze alive is what cures Alfred. Or did Freeze put that sickness in Alfred? And that's why they have the same antidote or whatever? OH well. Whatever. I forget how it ends. I think there's a cliff scene? I forget how Poison Ivy dies... something about kissing Robin.... Ugh. Ok I'll add more when I actually watch the rest...


So I'm restarting Batman & Robin.
When I catch up to how far I've already watched, I'll start here: Somewhere in the middle of the Auction.

so we actually started in Mr. Freeze's hideout in a Snowy's frozen Foods store... Good camo.
Oh, hey Vivica A. Fox....... Talk about a cold shoulder! She's doing puns too!
Mr. Freeze wants quality time with his frozen tv dinner wife.
Let him be, ok. They need some quality time.

Nice library. Oh of course robin was upstairs and had to descend the spiral stair case.
Alfred apologizes for not responding to the doorbell. It hasn't happened in 30 years.
Alicia Silverstone is at the door. Robin says "Please say you're here for me!" She's not. NO one is.

She's the neice of Alfred. Her parents died in a car accident...
It says so on the patch on your sweater... Good one George. You're so observant.

She likes the look of the chopper, don't worry Alfred, they scare me to death!
This movie is lazy. I forgot how bad the special effects are.
Alicia Silverstone is bolting out of her bathrobe into her leather girl. Her helmet prob says "Neicey likes leather".
So all of a sudden Ivy and Bane have a limo and she has lots of wigs. Master of Disguise!
Dr. Pamela Isely (Poison Ivy)
Jesus.
It's funny 'cause i think this character poison ivy is playing is actually who she is. People would die without fossil fuels.
OK so she got an invite to the ball. I'm overlapping here.
Wedding videos for Mr. Freeze tonight. Oh he might cry! Oh........ And it just froze off.... After he freezes one of his goons and says I hate when people talkk during the movie.
One more diamond! My love.

OH yeah this scene. Oh my god.
It's the Auction. The music is awful.
Oh the scene changes from bidding on ladiez to even worse music where Poison Ivy is supposed to enchant us and enthrall us. And hypnotize us. I think there's nothing less hypnotizing than watching Uma Thurman undress herself from a giant pink gorilla costume. Like, have you SEEN her hands??? and FEET???(in kill bill 1...)... ew. Weird shit. Oh look something stupid is STILL happening.

She waltzes on the backs of those native indian dancers to the stage and proceeds to make plant puns and jokes.
Her garden needs tending. Her vagina needs tending. Someone's gonna hit the honeyhole... she's bringing everything you see. Plus everything you don't.... her vagina.

Mr. Freeze crashes the party, makes more cold jokes. Her and Poison Ivy make equally terrible plant/cold jokes at each other.
Her pheromones don't work on Freeze (fag!)

Chase scene with batman and robin and freeze in his tank they ride around on this giant, GIANT statue. Robin says he can make the jump. THey're partners. Batman says no. And makes his bike no go anymore. Freeze almost gets batman but then batman gets freeze... so I think the scene with him saying 'allow me to break the ice' is coming up.

Alfred and Bruce are having a heart to heart. I'm so bored.
Robin snuck up on the neice girl (alicia silverstone). She flips him over and screams 'HIYA!' like, really? Ok I guess so.
Welcome home Frost face. You're the common Cold, we're the cure.
Allow me to break ze ice. I try to escape. Look at him stew! He can't go further than the icey area.

Poison and Bane are househunting. They come to Turkish baths. Talk about a fixer upper.
The neon bikers already live there. They live in black lights.
Bane just screams when he does stuff.

So Ivy thinks she's god now. She can create paradise in less time than god.
Weird foli in this.....

Here's some food for thought. Bruce Wayne not the marrying kind. He just seeing Ivy in this girlfriend. Who's ivy? He wishes he knew.

Alicia silverstone steals a bike and goes to this weird gathering of biker gangs. Oh my god it's coolio. Alicia silverstone is taller than him.
There's a fop biker gang. Sweet. Lame bike helmet girl.
The course is set up in the china town district of gotham city I think. well maybe not. There's a lot of really weirdly colored items in this movie. I could have sworn those industrial barrels/drums one biker crashed into were pink and blue and yello colored.... whatever. This movie SUCKS.

Once again the music sucks. Oh flying asian painted guys on the bridge. Oh a crash. What's going on.....
Green FirE!
because apparently thats all it took to crash them. Oh the bridge is painted downwards...
So this is where you hang out? Literally.

Alfred is the most sweetest noble man alive. No he's not stupid.
Alfred's sick. No he's not sick, he's dying, says batman (bruce). Well, so he is sick. And he's dying.

mr freeze arves his wife in an icicle and puts it on the back of a clok and under a clear glass and has a spinning ice wife. cool. (haha!)

Ice head, your sister's here to see you. Sister?
Oh right ivy. THe two guards are done. They like her love dust.
Bane breaks into the safe with mr. freeze's suit. In there is a guard and the Two -Face and Riddler's outfits. hahaha

A laundry service that delivers! Wow!
Always winterize your pipes.

another sappy batman/bruce and alfred scene.
cut short, Freeze escaped! They're at his hideout.... They somehow can access the arkham asylum video survalence from there.

the police in his hideout turned on the heat. He prefers the cold. Chilled to perfection.
He comes back and turns on the cold. The police all start saying ow my lungs! oh its cold! oh no!

Bane and ivy start fighting batman and robin. Bane gets batman. Lots of bad puns are exchanged.
Oh Gordon flips the heat back on and immediately they all get up and are all like oh yeah its warm awesome! I can move!
Freeze escapes, bane gets flipped over. Robin falls into the big vat of goo. After ivy hypnotizes him. I don't understand why Ivy doesn't just kiss them everytime.

Robin's Ridin' Solo.
Gordon is disappointed.
Ivy unplugs the Cold Bitch. UH OH!
She's never been good with competetion.
Frigid Wife. Good one!

Back in poison Ivy's lair, I feel like her amount of hair has gone up... oh wait that was part of her coat. Ivy blames Batman for the death and unplugging of his wife. Oh a single tear that freezes and breaks off. Makes No sense.

Now he's angry. Blanket the city in endless winter, she will unleash the Little Shop of Horrors props on everyone. No, no, its ok. She's dropping them out of a plane so they land on everyone and kill them or something. Whatever.
So Alfred has the same thing as Mr. Freeze's wife. Now dead.
Both of Chris odonnnell's and george clooney's teeth are hideous... like, they look not flossed in a while.

Alfred is dying in bed, he hands his neice this cd case thing, she has to find his brother and give it to him. she's not to open it ever.

So the new telescope is done. A party is being held. I think someone just said h hey Dude.

Poison Ivy is here blowing her love dust on commissioner gordon to give her the keys to the bat signal. Bane tears it off.

Alfred is so weepy. I guess I'm supposed to see that there is a connection between them.

It's surprisin Alfred only used a 3 word password to keep all of batman's secret.

Ivy called Robin, it's not a batsignal.
All the crystals are in place! Don't forget the crystals!
Freeze enters. Who is this nutball??? THe black scientist lady dies too.
Bane walks around placing light up crystals saying "BOOMMMMBBB"

Leather capes. I don't get it.
So neice gurl finds the batcave and alfred knew she would wander in so like, he made her a suit and it fits perfectly and she's batgirl now instead of neicegurl... ok.

Robin goes to Ivy's palace place. He supposedly trusts batman now or something.
She kisses him after telling him mr. freeze's plan. His rubbber lips are immune to her charms.

Batgirl saves batman and says imma turn you inta compost. Yeah plant jokes all around!
She still says HIYA!
OH swalled by her own plant??? That's how she dies???? Lame.... So lame.....
No bruc its me! .... I still forget her characers name. Neicegirl! I'm not really Batgirl. I'm Neicegurl!...

Freeze is freezing gotham. With his lazer gun. He's kicking some serious ice. Everyone is freezing.

THe new squad comes out with silver accents on their suits. A short chase scene ensues, and it sucks balls. It's so stupid. This movie. Is stupid.

Where's the snowman? Maybe he melted. Nah he's probably just hibernating.

So they are going to reroute the sun via sattelite to reflect the sunlight onto gothom to thaw it.
Stupid. Outrageoius.
Oh freeze comes and crashes their cool party. the kids fall off the clifff and robin saves batgirl but then she ends up saving him. No, I've got you!

Batman fights with freeze with the weird comedic relief coming in the form of the thawed scientists, one asian man, one black woman.

Bane dies, the tube gets yanked out. EASY.
The sun gets bounced from the sun to satelites to mr. freeze.

THe city is thawing. Freeze lost. I THINK NOT! Bombs away!

I'm confused why batman would jump to risk his own life to save freeze. OH i guess he's saving those scientists.

It would take a computer genius to fix the satelittes. I'm on it, says robin. No, I'm on it, says batgirl/neicegirl/computergirl.
You could learn something from me, says the girl. Or something like that. They make gender puns.

Mr. Freeze is alive and so is his wife. He has to research the syndrome because Alfred has it too. Victor Freeze, help me save another life.
Take 2 of these and call me in the morning.
And the movie ends. no wait. He's putting neon shit in alfred's drip thing. Everything glows with him.

Poison ivy didn't die. she got sent to the asylum. She's picking flowers. Like you do.
Oh Alfred is awake. He's cured. So why isn't his wife alive? Or not in a coma.

This movie is about trust.
This movie is a piece of shit.