Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason takes Manhattan on AMC! Sweet!

So like a really small senior class is sailing on this giant ship Lazurus to Manhattan for their senior trip. There's only like 8 of them.... two get killed on their yacht while about to make rove... One of the teachers says the reason Tracy and Billy didn't show up is because they probably wanted to explore each other rather than Manhattan. Jason has been brought back to life because of their boat or something....

So anyway, the kids are on a senior cruise and there's a shit load to do on this barge. Shoot clay pigeons, make retarded 80's pop rock girl hair band videos, die in the stairwell while making said stupid videos... yeah girl got chopped/hacked with her sparkly purple Gibson Flying V guitar.
So yeah, now the boys are boxing in the boiler room or something. Yeah a white kid against a black kid. Two chicks are watching thru glass from above. Black kid wins. Smiles at chicks.

White girl says to asian girl Yo we should get crazy. A little extra curricular drugs if you know what I mean. So they go somewhere's in the barge, looks like a boiler room again. And white girl gets out some 'white girl' if you know what I mean. And asian girl's all 'oh I don't know'.... then the Principal guy walks in and is all weird and creepy and like Yo you girl's doing drugs down here? No! The just exploring the ship! Well he can make sure they don't graduate if they do drugs (but wait why the senior class trip if they haven't graduated?) Oh whatever. They have to stay ON the boat while everyone gets off on Manhattan.

Oh other things to do on this cruise is die in a steam room. Jason walks in and grabs the hot rocks for steamin' and plunges it into the guys torso and it catches on fire for a second, like it does.

So the bitch white gurl accidently bumps white girl top student off the boat because that's funny. She almost drowns! She's afraid of the water and has weird visions of a child pulling her under.
She's ok! The uncle/principal is angry at the teacher for hanging out with his neice. But she's her best student! She's got talent!

Principal/Uncle of top student wanders into Bitch White Girl's room and she's in a bath robe drinkin shampain and he's like where'd you get that? Oh she packed it for them! Then he's all you could be in trouble! And she's like "wait don't you want to see my biology project?" (Disrobe) and he's all (literally) like "Hey!"..... "Hey what are you doing? You... stop. You should stop." And then they make out a bit and he remembers he's an uncle... Or wait the principal.
So the film guy gets it on film and principal threatens he won't go to film school! What! He made a TOTALLY killer video earlier!

The kids are in for a storm! White Bitch Girl dies in her bathroom. Jason just barges right in. The captain and skipper are at the helm/driving room and they notice a huge storm is coming. The Skipper has a kid. How old? 19 months. Captian says "Tremendous age!" Bullshit. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm willing to bet 19months old babies are NOT tremendous at that age! More like annoying as fuck!

Jason kills the skipper. Stabs him from afar! Weird! Oh so then the captain walks in and Jason cuts him from behind. Eventually they all (the rest of the characters, like 6 students left now...) end up in the driving room. Including the black one. And he's in a SWEEEEET track jacket. I want it. He and his guys want to go find Jason Vorhees and kick his mothafuckass. They know it's Jason Vorhees because the weird crazy guy that helps clean the boat kept telling everyone they'd all die and Jason has come back form the dead and is walkin the ship now.

Principal is in charge here!
Tv break...

Camera guy is wandering around the boiler room where I thought he was filming? I guess she was dancin and jammin' all by herself.... Hmm ok.

So he loses his glasses and somehow has a gun and shoots the first person he see.s...... oh smart kid. He uses his camera to focus. Oh but wait he shot the wrong guy. Shoot Jason! He stepped into the frame! And knocks the camera outta his hand.... Oh shit.... while he's running he trips over 80s rocker gurl JJ. And JV grabs film dork and tosses him onto something that simultaneously electrocuted him and set him on fire....

Now the boat's on fire! How! They're surrounded by water.
Now that the captain is dead, his son has to steer the ship. The son kinda looks like a very young Jason Preiesly, the guy from 90210....

Jason's costume ALWAYS looks like he just got outta tha water.. I mean ok NOW it's raining but like the whole time you were running around the boat killin people indoors your costume was stilllllllll wet.

So the black guy and his buds are running around on deck (now raining remember) and Jason is chasing one but kinda just lets him climb up one of the masts or whatever. OH hey Jason you made it all the way up there to grab him and throw him off... that made no scientific sense... I'm assuming he landed on something sharp? It went to commercial right at that part. Yeah. He landed on an antenna. The black guy found him.
Jason finds him! Oh shit! So .... oh wow. So The Black Dude dies by Jason throwing him overboard to drown.... because black people can't swim or something. Lame man.

So everyone's meeting back in the cafeteria.
Principal is in the kitchen with Jason. There's one sharp knife hanging with two spatulas and two strainers. Weird. Oh they cut back to it and it's gone! Jason prolly took it... And behind Boiler Room Door is WATER!!!!!!!!!!
And Top Student Girl who can't swim has to face her fears! That's why she's on this trip!

Mike walked in and said that Principal looks English. Sam says, "No not English. Principal."

Oh Shit the black guy can swim! Because he's an athelete!
They make it onto a life raft heading towards Manhattan when the black guy pops outta tha water and into the life raft.

It's all foggy and shit. Oh good. Top Student Gurl got to keep her dog. So it's Principal, Principals neice (aka Top Student Gurl), Her dog, son of captain and the one teacher. Oh and the black guy.

Commercial break.

It's night and they see the skyline of New York! The black guy sings and they dock the boat at a dock in which the Principal blames the woman teacher for picking such a bad spot.

Oh Top Student Girl is already getting raped! They all get mugged and the two dudes take her away to have fun with her. She looks like a party girl. He's gonna inject her with heroin. Please don't hurt me. Oh man free heroin. It won't hurt if you're stoned gurl.
OH SHIT JASON stabs the dude from behind. What a buzz kill! He saved her tho..... WHY?
He's getting shot at by the other dude. Runs outta bullets so Jason smashes his face on a pipe of some sort. because they are in an urban location. There are steaming hot pipes everywhere.

The black guy runs into a phone booth trying to call the cops. Jason gets to him and punches the booth out but he escapes! On to a building he some how ends up at... bad sentence...

Oh so he boxes him. And Jason doesn't do anything. Oh he's getting tired. I got so bored of this scene I forgot how it ended. It ends with Jason punching the kid off the building.
Commercial break.

And we return to Heroin Girl having Heroin Visions and the son finds her.
FREEZE! Shouts the cop at the female teacher. Oh he's also pointing his gun at her? Only until Principal is all like oh yo she's wit me.
Heroin Girl and Son run around corner and meet up wiht them all. They get into the cop car and HOLY SHIT ITS THE BLACK GUYS HEAD AHHH JASON!

Heroin Girl jumps into the drivers seat as the cop gets fucking owned by Jason.
Mike: Wait why would they let the woman drive?
Sam: Because in this case, they want to run over someone.
Holy shit.

She guns it at this weird alien looking person mutated shirtless garbage. It's Jason. He turns into a puddle as the engine catches fire. They're all ok tho. Heroine Girl stares into the puddle in the flames and then it changes to a shot of the lake and people on a boat... Fire.... to water....

It's a flashback to Heroine girl and Ass Hole Uncle. He has a weird conversation with her and he shoves her in the water.... she can't swim! OH shit! She gets puulled under by this mutant child and I think that's Jason as a child? So she's somehow related to Jason?

The flashback returns to reality. You pushed me into the lake! He was trying to teach you. She runs away and Son shoves Ass Hole Uncle over. Jason's alive!
Ass Hole is all That's not possible! They somehow end up in a building and they are up a few stories and so Jason throws Ass hole out the window and then retrieves him and shoves him headfirst into a huge drum of goo stuff. It's like gak.
commercial break

Let's do lunch! With Marie Osmond! No. No thank you.

Heroine Girl is coming down off her Heroin High. Oh cute. Son and her kiss. ok now what. Where is this movie going? I thought he
oH right he wasn't actually dead yet. so Jason barges thru the door to wherever they are. They run and end up on the subway.

Hey everybody! QUAYTON LIVES!!!!!!!!!!

Wow that chick took a really hard stunt. Jason like plowed thru her on the subway.
They pull the E break. jason goes sliding away almost comically. They escape out the subway and onto the rails. Oh shit Jason trips on the tracks and gets fucking electrocuted to death by them. That's how he was brought back to life in the beginning of this movie...

They end up in Times Square. And everything is ok it's all capitalist again.

Livin' in the city ain't no big deal. If the crack don't getcha the hookers will.

Jason just showed his face to some punks. They ran away.

Heroine and Son run into a diner. They needed a phone! A maniac is after them! Welcome to Knew York says Redhead Bitch. So one of the cooks comes from the back and he's huge and he's like gonna deck Jason but Jason picks his ass up and throws him OVER the counter INTO a glass mirror.

They end up being somewhat alone with Jason in the city in an ally..... I can't remember where they're going.... It's a commercial again.

So they go running in the sewer. I feel like that's jason's home? He looks like that's where he steps out from.


Oh so they flood the sewers with toxic waste at midnight in New York. They find a worker and get his help to find a way out and OH SHIT JASON COMES OUT OF NOWHERE and gets the worker and bashes his head in. The boy friend is down. The Heroine shines a flashlight at jason and is all you didin't get me in the lake and you won't get me now. .... and she runs and finds a drum of New York Toxic Waste and punches holes in it? and picks it up and throws it on jason. EW HE"S BURNING. Ew his mask is off. Ew. Ok so they run and climb up this ladder and are just above the toxic waste line and he slowly melts away. Like, He won't die. HE WILL NOT DIE. The toxic waste goes down and there's a boy..... It's the truffle shuffle kid!.

Ok so they are under the statue of liberty somehow?

So the boyfriend is all hey i have your necklace for that 22 story tall buliding statue they have here. They hug. And Heroine sees TOBY! Her dog! He ran away at some point.... but now he's back!

And it ends with some 80s music..


Oh right, Kane Hodder is the name of the actor playing Jason! Sweet name....

Friday the 13th Part I.

This movie has a lame title sequence. These 2 kids bout to have sex in the woods get interrupted by someone they may know... then they get killed...
"Friday the 13th" crashes thru some glass 'cause that makes sense.

There's a girl hitch-hiking her way to Camp Crystal Lane to volunteer. The locals are all spooked 'bout the "Death Curse" at Camp Crystal Lane. 2 kids murdered in 68, boy drowned in 67 (they tell you this in that order so the viewers go Oh so the two murders happened as a result of the boy drowning. So this is like, a revenge movie).

And now those kids are dead. So the other counselors are carpooling. Oh right it's Kevin Bacon!

So the chick hops in a jeep with someone we never see and the driver gets creepier and creepier and she rolls out the car into a ditch and then has to limp run from the person tailing her. This music resembles Psycho a lot.

Oh shit the girl tripped right at the feet of weird person following her and gets her throat straight up slit. Ew. Then the frame gets all washed out and its back to the rest of the counselors in their bathing suits hangin' out bein' stupid.

Yeah they're so stupid. One of the guys like, almost drowned.

Nice jammers tan, K. Bacon.

The redhead counselor girl has a weird thing for the nerdy/hipster looking guy with creepy/hipster facial hair. There's a snake in my dresser! What do they do to it? Kill it! Oh they all rush in to save her. ALL of them. And now they're tearing apart her rooom to find it. And they do. With... a machete.... wait where did he get that?

I'm guessing that snake was some kind of metaphor.

Hey they were smoking pot out there! And for some reason the Cop on a bike smelled them smoking? Or no he's looking for Lenny. On the double. Roger that. 10-4. over and out.

They ain't gonna stand for any weirdness out there at Crystal Lane. No homos!
Pretty sure that cop's bike don't wail like that.

The redhead is doing dishes and run into the town crazy. He pops out of the pantry. He's a messenger from GOD! You're doomed if you stay! I think he's Jason's dad. I think we just met Ralph. He bikes everywhere I guess.

The electricity is out. Don't worry, one of them was taught how to use the emergency generator. They are fixing the electricity. To the fuse box! Generator I mean! This is where I'll leave off...