Bicentennial Man

So OnDemand is awesome. I decided to watch Bicentennial Man. Here I go!

Oh rated PG... this is starting off well already. The credits consist of footage of a robot man being assembled. I kind of like the animation with the text...


Oh so this was based on the novel called Positronic Man... I wonder why they changed it?
The not too distant future... oh everything sounds spacey. Even this NorthAm Robotics van. Oh its all

OH HOLY SHIT THE GUY FROM JURASSIC PARK IS IN THIS
Oh right I just remembered this movie a lil..

So OH gross that annoying girl from those weird pepsi commercials is in thiiiiissssssss ick. God she's so annoying... She also has an older sister (in the movie)..
The family has a family m eeting to meet the new family member. He's a robot. He's robin williams as a robot except monotone and stiff moving.
How did mommy and daddy produce THAT! moneymoneymoney
The older sister says they're all the same. other families have them... they're androids!
Pepsi says whats an Andrew? That's now the robot's name.
Oh what is going on in their living room...
It's a weird slide show of what his duties are as a robot... paired with obnoxiously loud marching band music. WHY.

So david just came down saw me watching this. He asked me oh is that robin williams? Is this flubber? I loled.

It's really weird that they have to teach this robot social ettiquette and behavior and explain things to it... It's like it actually is a newborn or something.. Like, who wants to have to raise a robot with an infant's mind? besides being able to do math... oh wait that's not this kind of robot.... OH HOLY SHIT.

Ok so robin williams is a MAID ROBOT! He is supposed to do chores and shit around the house... he finds a spider inside and brings it outside to a potted plant.. oh so he's 'feeeeeeeeling' something. Ok weird.
Oh what the fuck is going on... So he brought a whole bunch of shit from the basement in...
He opens a box he just brought out and its a record player. His scanners tell him it's an old victrola not functional needs repair. Ok so he is kinda smart.

He makes them dinner. Dad says it's excellent. Older daughter says "i think it sucks!" and he's all how can the chicken suck? it has no lips... Pepsi laughs. It's that sort of humor where he doesn't get slaaaang. So he takes everything so literal. And i guess it's funny.

Older daughter calls robin up in a creepy way.... oh this is after he was just watching the parents play chess. and solved it in his head or something.
So anyway. she calls him up and is all "Andrew, would you open the window". She's reading something. So he does what he's told. He's going to tell him to jump out the window. She says 'jump'. Honey he needs more specifics than that... So she's all nnno out the window. And he does. falls on the lawn. I'm sorry, how was that girl not laughing hysterically at how easy that was? Dad's mad.

oh family meeting in the hallway.
Andrew's malfuncitoning. His 'eyebrow' is twitching.
One is capable of self MEEEEENtinence sir, he stammers. He has a weird sound he makes while walking. Adding to the robotyness of him.

Oh this family is rich. Like literally They have this beach. Oh wait maybe it's a public place. I don't know. They could afford one of thhose!
Pepsi is playing make believe pretend with her clear toys. She shows robin her favorite. and is all want to hold it? and he's so stiff his robot fingers drop it. On a rock. And it SHATTERS. WHY is a little girl playing with a FUCKING GLASS TOY. I DON'T CAAAAREEEE if it's the 'future'.

So he feels bad. Pepsi hates him. He sees wood and decides to learn wood carving. He reads a book super fast and carves her a wooden one... She's all this is the best present ever!
...........
..................
like, seriously? that's the best present a 4 year old in the FUCKING FUTURE WITH ROBOTS AND SHIT has everrrrrrr received?

weird. I don't know...

so she thanks him and he goes to her room..... no they don't do that. she invites him to her room and he's all does it involve a window? Oh this Robot's got jokes! I'm guessing it's a tea party.
so she gives him a stuffed animal named wolfy. She is gifting something to him. it's sweet. I guess.

Dr. Dad Grant is marveling at the wooden horse. How did you do this andrew? you can't lie. He made it tho. Mom's all (on yeah there's a mom in this. forgot to mention that. prob because she's so boring. but anyway she finds the robot creepy and such. He stares at her. It's weird.) so she's all you didn't just com up with this out of thin air! he studied the raw materials.

So he fixes the record player and Dr. Dad Grant hears it and goes down. Of course its like so deeply moving opera music. And the robot is TOTALLY feeeeeeling it. Oh man. doesn't know DDG is there. He doesn't want to disturb so he heads back up the stairs.

He's a little worried. So he takes him into the robot makers to have him checked out by the doctor. It's the guy who plays Milton in fucking Office Space. hahahah he's an asshole in this.
DDG is all he's like, human and stuff. He doesn't want a replacement. He doesn't want it fixed... OH but if word of this gets out! We'll have to recall our whole line! They're in people's homes!

DDG is all hey don't do so much housework. Imma teach you my line of work. We gonna do art shit. I'm gonna just teach you shit. Like people growing.

So him and Pepsi gather wood to carve and they go down to the basement oh his room and carve shit.

OH my god. They didn't just do this... Cut to scene of robot sitting by fire with an astonished/shocked/processing glance. ".... and 9 months later, a baby is born. Those Andrew, are what you call the facts of life." Andrew says this: "..... and people actually do this?? married people..." oh right he told him that only 'married' people do this.

Oh gag me. stupid humor. He just told him how straight people have sex and repopulate and shit. I'm over it. Next!

oh this conversation is getting awkward. DDG is all yeah people do it a lot. as often as they can, really.. well... at first. OH so he's saying his marriage no longer includes sex. ok.

So I think he feels bad for the sperm that don't get to the age. they DIE.

OK next scene is dumb. DDG is trying to teach him jokes and it's impossible and frustrating because he's a FUCKING ROBOT!!!! ugh. I also totally called the usage of the "why did the chicken cross the road?" joke. ugh...

so of course he goes over every possible reason why a chicken would cross a road. He doesn't get the punchline.

Lunchtime is "robot's time to rattle off all the jokes he learned last night at a high speed. which is awkward because he doesn't get the subtlety of timing when you tell a joke... so they're all hahahahahaha he's a robot trying to tell jokes.

Pepsi is playing piano. Like in the Pepsi commercial. Andrew's gonna learn how to play a duet. It only takes him one take to get the song she plays for him.

Ok So they do it together. wait there's another piano added onto this. OHHHH shit... TIME WARP
flash forward to the future and it's the chick who plays ms. honey in matilda and that lame chick in that lame movie 13 ghosts. Ugh.

Oh she kisses him on the cheek. Now he knows how to play parlor music.

Oh weird. The older sister is nasty looking. Oh so that's you're interpretation of future clothes? WTF. Ugh Mom comes home in a fucking expensive car with a shopping bag. Older daughter is making out with her boyfriend on his weird bike. He's got weird forearm things.
Mom's angry. She storms inside. Apparently the past years Andrew has been making clocks. So they have like, a hundred around the house and of course they all chime and go off. So mom's all UGH I'm so sick of these damn clocks! She does what every mother does after coming home from shopping. Pours a glass of wine. YEAHHHH she's an alcoholic! ok.

So the robot wants to open an bank account. Cause they're thinking about selling those clocks he makes. So he can buy things.

Big Pepsi is in the shop with him, robot cuts off his finger in the band saw. So her boyfriend frank proposed to her. She is in love with the robot. I forgot. Oh right. No I didn't forget. I wanted to tho. So she's all I'm gonna accept the bf's proposal cause like, it wonb't work out with her imaginary friend who's actually the robot.

They go to the same robot dr to fix the finger. I guess this guy is still like, after this robot. So he's all if you attack robot's brain an alarm will go off and police will be called and I'LL SUE YOU"RE FUCKING ASS. This doctor really doesn't like the robot. Andrew I mean. Ugh I forgot.

So the Robot Business is on the decline... apparently people are concerned about robots replacing the human workforce.... WELL DUHHHHHH.

So he's an usher at Big Pepsi's wedding. He gets to wear a tuxedo. Oh that guy is hot. WOOOOO!!!!! wait did the preist just say I present you Mr and Mrs Frank Charlie? Two first names? weird. Oh her older sister is there and with her lame ass boyfriend. she's not dressed for a church wedding. Neither is he and he's chewing gum. Oh Big Pepsi sees Andrew at the end in a tuxedo and now able to express more emotions and feeeeeeelings. She smiles and keeps walking. It's a touching moment I guess.

I'm guessing he's gonna accidently walk in on or stumble upon Big Pepsi and Husband having sexxs.

Andrew wants to keep wearing clothing. So he recorded the wedding and the father bride dance in his memory bank and they have a slideshow thing out of the top of his head like in the beginning. But THANK GAWD he didn't include the marching band music. Ugh.

DDG is saddened at his 2 daughters being gone. He'll always miss them.

Cut to 12 years later on the beach. He's reading a book on the beach with Big Pepsi's kids. The kid Lloyd (stuuuuuupid name in the future jesus) throws sand on him. Mother scolds him. Andrew wants his freedom. He wants to not do orders and stuff. He wants to be fwends!

They have a huge kitchen for only having 2 people there.

Ugh this movie is actually kind of depressing because it's all about aging and dying and shit. Well not all about. But you know.



I'm not sure I'll be able to finish this... I'm only 50 minutes in and I'm wanting a nap and this is just... I'll continue it later.